Who am I?

For the most part in life, I don't really think I know what I'm doing. I often feel as though I'm walking across a vast continent, looking to the stars for guidance and mostly not being able to make sense of what I see.

They say life is a journey, not a destination, but sometimes that idea scares me more than a little. After all...there are some days when the journey sucks so hard I want to throw a vase against the wall, and on those days, I have to somehow believe that I'm heading in this particular direction for a reason, or else why bother? I have to believe that I'm walking across this continent because I will eventually end up somewhere, rather than walking in circles. There has to be something. I have no idea how some people can have a five-year plan when I barely know what I'm doing from one day to the next and in some ways, I feel like even at 30 years old, I'm still searching for identidy, a definition of self that I can somehow use as a qualifier for who I am. Who am I? What am I? In my experience, randomness is not usually rewarded, but that's the truth behind me. I have yet to find a way to define myself with a hook, and believe me, I've searched long and hard. The only unifying factor I find when I look inside myself is my own contradictory nature and the randomness that comes with. Me, my life...neither is lateral, even when I wish otherwise. I'm constantly seeking to improve myself and about 99% of the time, I feel scattered - my life is scattered. I am scattered. I am random.

2 comments :

  1. And that is what I love so much about you! You're not ever boring and you always have an opinion and perspective that is uniquely yours, regardless of what the masses might think you should feel.

    I love you just the way you are.

    ReplyDelete


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...