Yesterday, or...Last Week

Spring.
For many people, it is their favorite time of year.
It was for my mom.
She loved Spring because it meant the frigid, dangerous Winter was ending.  She loved Robins more than any other bird.  At earliest chance, she would head outside and start tending the lawn; for her it wasn't about making the yard look pretty, it was about love.  She simply loved her flowers, she loved the feeling of taking care of her grass, the she loved the new life of spring.

My birthday is in May, as is Mother's Day.  (This picture was taken when I was two months old.)

This beautiful lady was also diagnosed with lung cancer in May of 2006, two weeks before I turned 26.


She made baby blankets for pretty much anyone she heard of having a baby.  It was her thing, and one of the hardest things for me to accept is that my mother will never meet my (someday) children, and I will never receive one of her custom-made, super-soft, made-with-love baby blankets to wrap my bundle of joy in.

Random: one of the best moments we ever shared was baking cookies, circa 2003.  I was being silly and I was like "Look Mom - Stonehenge!"  For some reason, this amused her to no end.  She said she loved my silliness and imagination.

This is one of the last photos taken of her.  She was on the phone with her sister, my aunt, and she was very tired.  By then, she was so sick and weak that even sitting up was a challenge, but she was still in good spirits that day.  I climbed onto the couch and clicked a couple pictures of us while she talked, for no other reason than I was trying to amuse her.  
*She died the following day, July 1, 2006 at 7:01PM.  

This is a crop I did of a photo taken in summer of 1980.  In this picture, she is 23 years old, has a three year-old and a 10 week old (me) that she is holding with pride and love.  Doesn't she look like she's about fourteen here?

I'm not going to get into details, but my mother's dream was simply that: to be a good mother.  To have children that would know they were loved.

We knew.

I didn't post my mother's day post yesterday because I spent most of the morning sobbing onto Shawn's shoulder.  I miss my mom.  It kills me that she is gone so soon, it kills me that her cancer diagnosis, mother's day, and my birthday all fall within two weeks of each other.
Every year, for some reason, I still mark her birthday on the calendar and how old she would be if she was alive.  This year, she would've turned 56.  She passed before making it to 50.

Mom, I miss you.  Some days are easier than others, but I think of you every single day and I hope I am making you proud.  Once, in the hospital, you told me to live my life and not be afraid, to chase my dreams and to be happy.  Some days are harder than others, and I continue to try to live by that philosophy.  When I look back on my life both before and after your illness, I see so many things I could have done differently, done better...more than anything else, I hope I am not a disappointment to you.



  







3 comments :

  1. I'm not going to give you the cliche, "She's in a better place" bit, but I will say this: I remember your Mom, I remember that she was always smiling and she loved you with all her heart. She was an amazing woman and you were lucky to have each other.

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  2. The fifth anniversary of my dad's passing happened on Mother's Day, so I understand that unfairness of that day.

    You can see from the photos that your mother was a beautiful person (I'm a big believer in the eyes are the windows to a soul), but she was obviously also an amazing person to have raised such a wonderful woman in you.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you. For all of it.

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