Truth Bombs, True Confessions and It's Getting Real Up in Here

Yes, I know my title is all nerdy and not cool or hip.  I do not care because I am not hip.  
This post is me talking about sensitive stuff I don't actually want to share but I am because I'm trying to be brave, even though I am a total chicken-shit.
Okay, here we go:





I'm Insecure About Work:
I totally pretend I'm not.  I like to act like I think I'm confident and I know what I'm doing.  My superiors have given me an "excels" in self-confidence. I totally don't excel at it. I am obsessed with not making mistakes and being perfect which is awful because I work in retail - nothing is ever perfect.  I hate closing the store at night knowing that the clothes and shelves aren't as straight, organized, and clean as I think they should be.  (Dude, it's a store, it will never, ever, be as organized as I think it should be.)
I hate screwing up and especially little things, like when I can't quite figure out how to transfer a call from the portable phone to a certain number in corporate, when I forget to update my calendar, when I don't get everything done that I want to get done.  Another every-single-day thing.  I keep feeling like a little kid playing in adult shoes when people ask me to make decisions and be responsible for stuff, even though it's my job.

I Am Fat.
Not "quit drinking Starbucks and you'll lose five pounds this month easy-peasy" that many magazines seem to think is fat, but actual fat that comes from a lifetime of combination psychological & physical issues that feed off one another.  I'd like to write about this more because there's the whole "You're only as sick as your secrets" but then again...there's a reason we don't talk about it.  So, yeah.  I'm worried that if I share more on this subject (like, real inside my mind stuff) people will judge/hate me.

I'm Not Sure What to Say:
I find myself editing what I want to say here A LOT.  I find myself more and more getting worried that I might offend someone if I swear too much, if I talk about something too personal, if I get too worked up and argumentative.  On a recent post where I ranted about how women are portrayed in the media, my own husband's reaction when I asked him what he thought was: "I read it."  When I pressed him further, he said it seemed kind of.... and made a cat-claw motion.  (And he's incredibly supportive and encouraging and NOT a caveman-type and that was still his reaction.)
Some of my favorite bloggers and favorite posts are from people being hugely, hard-core honest and totally themselves and often fits into the category of intensely personal shit.  Not a week goes by where Kathy at Vodka and Soda doesn't share some weird shit her body is doing and I totally love it. Yet...am I that brave?  Nope.  I work hard to have a "fuck it, if they don't like it, don't read it - I blog for me" attitude, but again....worry.  Because sometimes I just want to blog that eating crap gives you poop cramps, but I guess....I worry.  Fuck, I worry about what you guys think of me, okay?

Well, that's it for now.  This is just the very tip of the crazy iceberg.
Thoughts?



12 comments :

  1. I totally know what you mean about censoring yourself - I do that ALL the time. I was mentioned on a forum at a blog snark site like one time and it paralyzed my writing even more. Honestly I think some of the people that are SUPER honest do it as a coping mechanism in the same way that anxious people clam up if that makes sense. In real life I'm definitely like that.

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  2. I am totally with you on so much of what you wrote today.

    I'm still learning how to do it myself, but I'm coming to the realization that sometimes throwing caution to the wind and just "letting go" can be unbelievably freeing. But also extremely scary. But I've decided that being true to myself trumps anything negative someone might take away from what I've written.

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  3. Okay first of all I can say that probably 80 percent of people at every job feel the same way you do. I do, for sure. And I think anything otherwise is arrogance. As long as you're always willing to keep learning and strive to do your best that's all you can do.

    Second, with the blogging thing, I TOTALLY get that. I have come to a happy medium but do you know how badly I want to write about all the weirdos I talk to at the tattoo shop? Or the bad feelings that sometimes come with being a step parent? But I will never because I can't go that deep. I've considered anonymous blogs but I don't think I have the discipline to ensure it remains anonymous. Anyway, I get you!

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  4. Thank you for posting this!
    To be honest, when I was reading your Sunshine post, I felt like you were really holding back on the answers and I was thinking "Why did she even bother when it seems like the questions are uncomfortable for her?" And this post explains why.

    I think A LOT of people are "playing grown-up". I definitely am. I still feel a little weird grocery shopping. But I know that I must be at least a little grown up because hanging around my younger sister (she is nine years younger) is eye-rolling because her problems and view of the world is so... young and immature.

    I think writing is such a tough job to really convey your point because it lacks the audible tone, facial expressions, and hand gestures that go with verbal communication. And even with all that, verbal communication gets messed up. So just writing down WORDS, even though it seems simpler, is so much harder to get right.

    I self edit so much, and it sucks because my blog is suppose to be about me, the real me, not just an always happy, glittery life me. I kinda went "fuck it" a bit with my sunshine post and I lost two followers. Yeah. That did hurt. But most of me only wants people to read my blog that want to get to know me. But that small part of me wants everyone to like me, even though that can never happen.

    And the being fat... well, I'm a twiggy bitch so I know I don't have anything to say on that :) Weirdly, most of my friends and my husband are big people. One friend it's because she has thyroid issues, the other is because she is bipolar and her medication wrecks with her body, and my husband, well. He was super athletic as a teen and then wasn't as an adult and his metabolism went out of whack. He weighs more than the smallest class of sumo wrestlers ;) So I do know how difficult it is, by proxy, to be healthy and active and still not lose weight. I can sympathize but I can't empathize I guess is what I'm trying to say.

    But seriously, thank you for opening up in this post. Sometimes I wish I kept my blog a secret from my real life friends because than maybe it would feel more free? Strange that sharing with anonymous strangers online is so much easier when they are the most likely ones to judge.

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  5. This post just made me want to start following you! don't stop blogging!

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    1. Thank you! Thank you for stopping by and for the positive words. I definitely appreciate it and I will not be stopping the blogging any time soon. :)

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  6. my vote is to write what you honestly feel!

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  7. Love the honesty! I struggle with this at times as well. I'm not much of a writer and feel like I have a bit of a hard time expressing myself through writing... constantly going over it, thinking if I should say that or word it that way, does this make sense, am I getting my point across?

    I have to just not think about it so much and let go. But I think many people stuggle with this, censoring what they say or share and it's understandable, however I do enjoy honest posts from other bloggers and feel like I'd like to open up more so I can share more of what kind of person I am and my experiences, perhaps people can relate and that's always good. Anyways, keep it coming, great post! :)

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  8. well, you know my vote - write what you damn well please because not everyone will like it. some will, some won't. focus on the "some will". that's all that matters. and besides, it's the interwebs, a lot of weird shit goes down and people still seem to survive.

    thanks for the shout-out. i guess there are times i'm too honest but ah well, gives me something to write and laugh about. like the time i wrote about my hemorrhoids. that was my most honest post and by that, i mean hilarious.

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  9. I think what your wrote is pretty universal. Introverts, extroverts, it doesn't matter what your personality type is, we all deal with anxiety and no matter how much any of us try to say "fuck it, I don't care" we really do on some level. Or sometimes, "I care too much and don't want to mess this up, so I won't do anything so I can't mess this up."

    I feel like I'm playing grown-up on a daily basis. At some point every day I think, "who gave me a baby?!? how am I supposed to be charged with the well being of another person when I haven't even brushed my teeth today?"

    I edit myself on my blog all.the.time. For one, my mom reads it and I absolutely don't cuss in front of her, so I don't drop the f-bomb on my blog, although it's easily my favorite word (and I will be mortified when Jack says his first curse word thanks to Momma!). I don't bitch about my MIL (who I love dearly, but drives me up the wall about my son - I'm the mom WHAT I SAY GOES!!!), because I don't want my in-laws to stumble on my blog and read about my problems with my MIL. My husband and I are going through a rough patch right now because of new parenthood, owing a fixer-upper house, bills, bills, and more bills, and just generally being stressed out and angry all the time. I'd love to write about that, but it would mortify my husband to air our grievances in such a public way, even if I was just trying to be honest and authentic about how messy real life is. I try to keep it all happy and light on the blog, but trust me, I struggle every day. I don't want to be one of those fake-ass "lifestyle" bloggers whose lives look like perfect Betty Crocker/Donna Reed/Better Homes Than Yours, but I also don't want to spew molten crazy all over people and melt their faces.

    I'm definitely still trying to find my blog voice, too. I'm much better verbally than I am with the written word. I'm sarcastic and loud and goofy in real life, but my writing skills aren't sophisticated enough to really convey how I think/talk/act in written form. I worry all the time that my posts are boring and generic, my pictures are amateurish, and that I don't have any content worth reading. I worry that I'm not being real enough on my blog.

    I don't really know where I'm going with this crazy rambling comment. I guess I'm trying to say I understand where you're coming from. I've taken blogging hiatus' before when things got too overwhelming (like when my dad left my mom after 30 years of marriage - I don't talk about that little gem on the blog), but I look back and kinda wish I had just put it all out there instead of trying to pretend everything is all peachy.

    Okay, I'm going to stop spewing my crazy on your blog. The people here aren't judging you; we like you, that's why we keep coming back. We're creating a community and making friends. Friends don't always have to agree on everything or see eye to eye, but that's what makes friendships interesting.

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  10. We all edit ourselves in blogging and real life and you know why I think that is? Because with all the social media and ways of communicating not face to face people have found it easier to express their judgment and distaste of those around them. I find I feel I need to be so careful about who I share my ways of parenting with as so many will judge and hurt you and say you are doing it all wrong. No support just straight up judgment that hurts. And if you try talk about stuff that is on your heart it can be scary as you don't know how people will react and when we are making ourselves vulnerable to others the last thing you need is judgment or nasty mean comments when all you are trying to do is be real in a world that is loosing its ability to be real and honest about what life is like in a media driven crazy ass world.

    I love what you have written in this post, it is your heart and that is a beautiful thing. Keep being brave and honest in your way that you are comfortable with. And truly fuck the haters out there they aren't worth it. xx

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  11. As long as your co workers don't know about your blog - go for it. I'm envious of you and the fact that you can, if you want to, write openly.

    In regards to being insecure at work - don't be (I know- easier said than done). I've got a good 10 years on you at least- can't tell you how much I regret wasting energy on that kind of shit. Do your best with no regrets (that goes for pretty much everything in life).

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