My Shell

Sometimes I wish I could live in a shell.
Sometimes when things are hard I like to cocoon under the blankets and hide.
But 99% of the time, I have to be a grown-up even when I hate it, and that means getting up and going to work and facing up, even when I want to stay home and cocoon under the covers.

It was a busy weekend at work and some of my co-workers were kinda bitchy and whiny. I did my best to let it go and not let it get to me and I feel like I did a good job diffusing a couple of potentially volatile moments. I was downright proud of how well much I got done on a busy Saturday and while Sunday had some paperwork frustrations for myself and the other closing manager, the team really pulled together and rocked everything really well and did a great job. 
Today we were wicked slammed. I spent most of my day running the cash register. Today was a day I didn't feel like going to work. I was dead tired (not physically, just emotionally.) - Shawn has been working six day work weeks for two months straight, and we barely see each other anymore. It was a busy weekend and that's fine...it was just one of those days where you wish you could stay home and lay in bed all day and drink hot chocolate. Your bones feel as if they are made of cement and you have to force yourself to get up to go.
But for everything, it was a good day. The team worked hard. They did well. They had a good attitude and kept going and even when we were running out of gas at the end of the day, they kept at it hard and we got out on time and everyone was in a good mood and we slaughtered our sales goal and even many of the clothes racks got put away and there was balance and tomorrow is the last in my 8 day stretch and for once I don't feel like a failure. I was feeling pretty good.

And then I message my boss (who I have to say is actually a good guy and I respect a lot) a couple of notes about tomorrow, including that the opening cashier has a commitment and will be in after that commitment is finished.
And as I'm telling him this, I realize I was stupid to not think about covering that shift. I don't know why it never crossed my mind. It just didn't. I wasn't being deliberately neglectful, it just honestly never crossed my mind. My boss is always telling me to stop calling myself stupid but I can't when I do things like this. Because that was stupid. 
And I realize for all the good work I felt like I did over the weekend, I still failed.
My boss responded by telling me that what I did (not covering the shift) was inexcusable and something he never would've done to someone. Which is true. He wouldn't do that. The fact that I didn't mean to do it isn't the point. It's the fact that I did it.

I know it's not the end of the world to have your boss be mad at you for a while. 
But it bothers me. And it really bothers me when I screw up - and the bigger the screw up, the more it bothers me. I have this tightness in my chest now. I don't know how to describe it. I feel anxious, guilty, ashamed, stupid, bad, unworthy, resentful, overwhelmed, frustrated.

When I go to bed, I like to imagine I'm in a giant walnut shell cocoon. The image makes me feel better and it's soothing. I haven't yet been able to take my imaginary walnut shell cocoon with me anywhere else. But I'm working on it. 


4 comments :

  1. :( If it was an honest mistake that you didn't think to cover the shift, there is no reason to beat yourself up. You said it. You have been working and working hard. You're tired and drained. It is acceptable that you have a misstep or overlook something. It.is.ok NOT to.be.perfect. :D I hope your boss doesn't continue to make you feel bad. If he does he isn't as good a boss as you think he is. No employer should hold any kind of grudge or make someone feel perpetually bad for an honest mistake. ((hugs)) rest in your cocoon and come out again when you are rejuvenated.

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  2. Ahhhhh that's the worst, when you totally just space on something like that and then you get the "OH SHIT" feeling!! I straight up forgot I was working at the college last week. Like, I took a shift and then out of my head it went. That morning I was up, doing nothing and right at the time I was supposed to be at work I thought "Oh, isn't there something I'm supposed to be doing at eight OH MOTHER FUCKER" hahaha it sucked so bad, I felt like such an idiot.

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  3. oh, i know exactly what you mean.. there have been so many times where i wanted to shelter from the world and not let anybody near me. too bad that it's not possible.. (or good maybe, because i'd be in my shell a whole lot of time)

    about the situation with your boss.. i understand that you feel bad about it, but things like that happen. it's just your boss's job to tell you when you did something wrong, he probably did it like this because he knows you'll learn from it. plus, you just had an awesome day at work and he must have seen that. i'm sure it will be ok :)

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  4. It sucks that you can have an awesome super day and one thing can make it all seem insignificant :/ Retail is mega stressful so kudos for keeping it together (i've had moments that I DID NOT, like throwing a calculator in the general direction of a customer... not my proudest moment).

    I think that you just projected all the stress from the whole day/week to this one mistake which made it feel worse. You're an awesome lady, don't let life's minutia get you down for too long!

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