Tuesday, January 10

Movies that Su-uh-uck

Obviously I could make a list of crap movies a thousand miles long, but the ones on this list come to mind as being so God-awful as to inspire annoyance at their mere mention, fist-clenching anger even years after I've seen them to imagine that SOMEONE thought this was a good enough production to be put into the mainstream.  Of course, not everyone is going to agree, but it's my list 'cuz it's my blog, bitches.
So here they are, in no particular order:

1.) Mr. & Mrs. Smith

Every single thing about this movie is total crap.  I hate it.  HATE it.  This entire movie is shit.  In fact, I hate this movie so much that if someone wanted to watch it, I would pay NOT to see it.

2.) Knight and Day

Can you say sucktastic?  I normally enjoy Cameron Diaz, so I have to wonder what the hell she was thinking when she accepted this role.  I'm not even going to go into what passes for a "plot."

3.) Stan Helsing

Wow.  What's sad is that this movie had the chance to be funny - the premise is ripe enough for it.  And then it just gets worse - and worse - and worse - until you find yourself wishing you were having your eardrums stabbed out.

4.) The Hangover

OVER-RATED.  Seriously, so over-rated.  There's about five minutes of funny in this entire movie and the rest is douchebag heaven.

5.) House of 1000 Corpses

Let me explain something: to this day, the original "Nightmare on Elm Street" still scares the bejeezus out of me.  I screamed so loud in Grimfell Asylum people said they should pay me to go through it.  The point?  I am an easy scare.  I watched this movie ALONE.  IN THE DARK.  And I was bored.  B-O-R-E-D.

6.) The Bounty Hunter

Jennifer Aniston - what the fuck were you thinking?  Okay, one: I DO NOT FOR A SECOND find this couple dynamic believable in the film's reality.  Second - oh man, I can't even go on.  It's just a waste.

7.) The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor

Total garbage.  Even the movie's far-fetched reality world, the logic STILL doesn't make sense and the plot has more holes than a mesh tote bag.

8.) Sex and the City 2

(As side note, who the hell is impersonating Kim Cattrall on this poster, because that? - is not her.)
For the record, I love the TV series that inspired the movies.  Again for the record, the first movie wasn't great - but it wasn't so bad I quit watching it 3/4 of the way through.  This one was.  Bad timing, bad plot, bad writing, bad dialogue.  Who vacations in the Middle East anyway?  And now - in a recession - is not the time to try to exact sympathy for and relatability to people who can afford the lifestyle they are purporting in this movie.  Bad form, SITC2. 

9.) Wedding Crashers

Vince Vaughn, we get it - you think you're the shit.  I think you're not.  Either way - I. Do. Not. Care.  Again, this movie was OVER-RATED.  It's okay.  *Shrug.  So-so-so overrated.  A couple funny parts.  Nothing to write home about.  Nothing I'll ever bother to watch again.

10.) Eyes Wide Shut

It was stupid.  And then it got mildly interesting.  And then it got stupid AND pointless.  Lame.

11.) Management

Um...what the hell was this?  It's stalker-tastic and weird and not good-weird.

13.) Vanilla Sky

Once again we are struck with a movie that could've been good and turned into a what-the-fuck-what-were-you-people-on.  It's not a mind-bender as it tries to be.  It starts off semi-interesting and at the end you're left wanting your life back and with extreme prejudice against Tom Cruise.

14.) Something's Gotta Give

Such promise.  Not an actor in the bunch I don't like.  A good idea.  The plot moved along and followed solid lines - yet it lacked luster.  It was empty completely without energy or soul. 

14.) Knocked Up

This movie ran about 25 minutes too long.  And I do not appreciate the stereotyping of making all men look like immature, insensitive assholes and all women look like frigid shrews.  NOT FUNNY.

~All pics from www.imdb.com ~

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