Saturday, July 7

List: Annoying Characters: Part I

I love a good character.  Whether in a book, a movie, or on TV, the primary thing you must have is characterization.  Without good characters, all is lost.  (That Twilight shit and its popularity in spite of awful characters is the exception, not the rule - I'm not going to accept the critical opinions of millions of 12-year-old girls in the same way I'm not going to embrace their music taste.)
Friends, LOST, Harry Potter - just a tiny sampling of things that we cared and still care about because of the amazing characters.  On the flip side, would anyone care if "Flo" from those Progressive commercials just dropped off the face of the earth?  No, no they would not.  That's because whether it be for several hours or thirty seconds that seem like several hours, an annoying character is enough to bring down anything.

Normally, I don't qualify my lists, but this one I had to, as some characters definitely get on my nerves more than others.


Whether you deal with the adult or the "baby Daisy" version, this bitch has it in for you.  First of all, she is a freaking Princess Peach clone, I don't care what anyone says.  Secondly, I assumed she was straight-up Luigi's lady, since he did as much as Mario (and sometimes more in the "Super Mario Bros. Wii") to rescue Peach, but was never given any kind of animated kisses or cupcakes for all of his hard work.  No, if Princess Daisy and Luigi had a facebook relationship, their status would say "it's complicated."  Why?  Because apparently she also has the affections of WaLuigi and it's said that Mario has a crush on her as well.  
     Additionally, if you have ever played a game where she appears as a competitor, she will rip your shit up.  Baby Daisy in Mario Kart Wii is a frequent thorn in my side and as a player in Super Mario Super Sluggers, she (along with Peach) is easily the best character in the game.  Nice to have women "being strong" (if you want to call it that) by being the best players on the team, but then again, it's not hard to be awesome when this guy is your competition.  Also? This is what she wears to play baseball?  No. Try some capris or some knee pads, or maybe an entire shirt.

I absolutely love pretty much the entire Scooby-Doo franchise.  Love. It.  And yet - this stupid, tiny, weird-voiced little shit of a dog is the worst thing to ever happen to Scooby-Doo.  I remember being super excited whenever the show was coming on and the immediate let-down and anger on the occasions it turned out to be another Scrappy-Doo episode.  It only took a couple times before I decided that no version of the Scooby universe was worth suffering through that character.

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Oh my God this chick is annoying.  And yes, she is the very definition of "chick."  She whines, she moans, she's materialistic, she's shrill.  This character gives women a bad name and adds a certain auditory torture to Temple of Doom.  Would I scream and cry and wince if I got covered in bugs and snakes and spiders and shit?  Hell yes!  Would I be as obnoxious as her?  No.  No one is.

I don't actually hate Pooh, he just drives me really fucking crazy.  I will let my children watch his movies all the while rolling my eyes.  Why does a character as sweet and innocent as Winnie the Pooh annoy me?  Hmm..."Think, think, think."--Because he's a fucking moron, that's why!  Oh my God!  Even as a small child, this dude frustrated me.  There is a well-known scene where Pooh covers himself in mud to disguise himself as a rain cloud (makes total sense) so he can steal honey from the bees high in the tree.  I actually remember complaining about the implausibility and stupidity of this scene to my mom while she made my macaroni & cheese for lunch.  (Yes, I'm sure my mother sighed a lot when I was young.)  There were plenty of rounds of "Are you kidding me, you stupid bear!" shot at the TV in my childhood and I never outgrew my frustration.  
Finally, the Pooh world loves to do little plays-on-words, like in Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day, when they go around wishing everyone a happy "Winds-day."  For a little girl who was hard of hearing and animated characters whose lips couldn't be read and no closed captioning - many of the story lines made even less sense as I heard them than they already did.  

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Yeah, yeah, get your outrage over with.  I found the character annoying and when he went through the veil, my exact first thought upon reading that was: thank God.  I know he was cooped up in Azkaban, I know he had depression from his best buddy being murdered and then being framed for said murder.  I know he was cooped up and sad and hated being back at his childhood home and he clearly had issues.  What I also know is: the risks and danger that Sirius was so eager to expose Harry that really what James Potter would've wanted?  Um....  Had Neville been the chosen one and James was alive at the time Order of the Phoenix came around, would he have been like: "You know what my only son?  It is absolutely a good idea for you to be on the front lines of this war, because I would love for you to be in constant danger of getting tortured into insanity.  Good idea, Sirius!" Being Godfather doesn't mean be best buds.  It means: surrogate father - looking out for what's best for the child.  Honestly, Lupin did a better job of that.  Sirius was just all selfish and pouty and giving huge guilt to Harry (because you know - he didn't have enough to deal with) for not being reckless, expelled, and a reincarnation of his best friend.  Lupin or Arthur Weasley were better father figures.  Sirius mostly just had his head up his ass.

And...surprising exactly no one is this walking turd.  But my reasons for being annoyed by this character are probably not what you think.  Okay, he was annoying and klutzy and stupid.  But what really did it for me is the way he speaks.  When I watch movies at home, I have the benefit of subtitles to tell me what mindless diarrhea is coming out of this dude's mouth.  But when I spent  about eight bucks on the ticket alone at the theater, I'd like to at least be able to understand what the damn characters are saying.  I was only able to understand about 1 in every 5 words he spoke and there were entire chunks of dialogue that I couldn't make out because of his nonsensical language and the inability to read the facial monstrosity that are his lips.  So: do I hate Jar Jar Binks for being an obnoxious asshole?  Nope.  I hate him for ruining the theater-going of Phantom Menace for me.

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First, if you check out the link on their names, it will take you to the imdb trailer for this movie.  If you're not familiar with the plot of 28 Weeks Later, check it out.  All set?  Now that we're all on the same page, let's make one thing clear: this entire clusterfuck could have been avoided if these kids hadn't been self-righteous shitheads.  I get it kids: you're hormonal, your country was taken over by "the infected," Dad's just so uncool and doesn't understand your angsty-angst and you miss your mom.  They treat their dad like he's the biggest dipshit failure on earth (which okay, he kinda is) and constantly ask: where's mom?  What happened to mom?  You know what kids?  The entire country of England was taken over by zombies...Mom's not around, and Dad's trying extra-hard to act like everything's okay even though he clearly doesn't want to talk about it....if you're such brilliant little know-it-alls, maybe you should have figured out that Mommy. Is. Gone.  But no.  Wah.  They want to go home.  They press and press until they get what they want and then decide they need to LEAVE THE FUCKING QUARANTINE ZONE! to get a couple photos of their mother.  
Really?  Just be tortured youth like everyone else, okay? 
They were told while entering the nice, safe, quarantined zone that the areas surrounding this nice, safe, quarantined zone are NOT YET cleared for safety, and even within the safe "District 1", there are massive security measures in place.  It's like a medical test extravaganza in there, and the place is overrun with military staff.  But yeah, you're like, 12 and know better than all these adults, with their military experience and "knowledge."  You should totally sneak out of the quarantine zone into the NOT SAFE ZONE because you can totally get out, do your stupid angsty tween bullshit and get back in and no one will ever even notice you were gone because you are brilliant and awesome.  As for the risking your own lives and the lives of everyone trying to rebuild your country - well... you know you want those worth it!
So they sneak out, and - duh! - military snipers are all over the place watching...waiting...just waiting for some infected bastard to try to sneak in and what do they see?  These two little shits sneaking out - so yeah...they send a bunch of military personnel after these kids, find them at their old home, and lo and behold, come across their mother who is mysteriously alive...yet not coherent and not looking so good with the bite marks. Hmm.  Because of this, Mommy Dearest is taken back to a research lab deep inside the safe zone where shit naturally goes down because everyone in this family is a selfish fucking idiot.
*Note: I like this movie a lot - I just really hate those kids.

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This is a character from Melrose 2.0, which Shawn & I watched a few episodes of before giving up.  I know people might think "oh, she's evil?  That's the point, it's a night soap."  No, it's exactly opposite of the point.  She was supposed to be the sweet, sexy, "likable" one.  So what's her story?  It goes like this: She has been with "Jonah" (apparently the world's most talented, adorable and loving man) for 5 years.  They have been living together for a few of those.  She's an elementary-school art teacher and goes for runs every morning.  And...when Jonah proposes, she waffles over it for a while before eventually saying yes, in spite of the fact that this entire time she has said she wants nothing more than to be with Jonah for ever and ever.  Also, she's very suspicious of her friend "Ella" who evidently worships Jonah (because he's such a great guy!) by telling him this over and over again in stilted dialogue.  Also?  She and her running buddy "Auggie" want each other and she spends more and more time with him as things get worse with Jonah (all while he tries so hard to gain her approval!).  Finally, after much game playing, they get engaged and break it off because she wants to be with him, but not married to him...she thinks?  Maybe?
In a side story, Ella's superstar fashion designer client (she's in PR or something) just randomly sees Riley and decides on a whim that this must! be! his! new! jeans! model!  And she plays coy for about five seconds before agreeing to do it (because they need the money for the wedding) and she ends up being topless in the ad, gets fired from her teaching job because the school board didn't take kindly to seeing her ta-tas on display and finding out that she skived off work to do the modeling job in question.  Riley then proceeds to place all the blame for her decisions on Jonah, citing that it was his fault she did topless modeling and got fired - 'cuz you know, they needed the money for the wedding, and that's his fault.  Later, she gets a job working as an artist at the PR?-advertising? firm - where Jonah and Ella work and she's all pissed off when Jonah doesn't want to praise her mediocre work with kisses and cuddles (literally - kisses and cuddles).  And ALL this time...she's still got a bit of a thing with Auggie, the morning running partner.
I'm offended if this is supposed to be the "likable" character - because that's truly what they intended...she was supposed to be basically innocent, unsure of what she wanted out of life but full of potential...blah, blah, blah.  
Characters like this are why some men think that all women do is play games and why some women think it's totally appropriate to play games.  Seriously - likable?  I mean...even Bellatrix Lestrange knew how to make up her damn mind and that right there makes her a more sympathetic character.  I'm officially offended on behalf of women everywhere.

Stay tuned for numbers 7 - 1...coming soon.  

(Images from Wikipedia unless noted)

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