Tuesday, October 14

Some Things Are Not Okay

Kinda, yeah.

Well, it's been a month since I've posted.
I've also been off work for a month on Short Term Disability MFLA because I'm a freaking nutcase who apparently can't handle everyday life on normal terms the way you know - normal people - can.

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I AM sick of myself. I'm sick of being the way I am. 
I was in a PHP for two weeks. I'm done now. 
It has not been a vacation or relaxing month off work.
What is has been is panic attacks and depression and feeling like a freak and trying to keep my shit together while everything is in limbo. It's been learning that I have a real problem with things being in limbo and not knowing and needing the security and feeling in control of myself and knowing what's next and having none of that right now.

I'm going back to work on Thursday.
I'm supposed to go back with restrictions of a consistent morning schedule, 32 hours/4 day work week based on the recommendations of a psychiatrist and a psychologist, both. I'm supposed to not be working with customers on the recommendation of the doctors, but that's not going to happen. I mean...I don't know. I won't know where I'm working and when and what until tomorrow and possibly not until Wednesday. 
That is not okay. 
The HR people at my work flat out told me they don't know how much (if any) of the restrictions they can accommodate and if they do, it will only be for a few weeks and then I have to be back up to a full 40 hours/week and also open availability. 
That is not okay.

(I mean, I get it, and I'll deal with it as each day comes, but still - not okay.) 

Our lease is up for renewal and our rent is being raised by $95/month. That is NOT OKAY. 
(No, moving is not an option at this point.)

There are so many things I want to talk about, I want to address, so many things I want to say that are just NOT okay. 
I'm NOT okay. But I'm better than I was. 
Am I looking forward to going back to work? 
Am I terrified of going back to work? 
Am I going to go back to work regardless of what restrictions and/or for how long they are met? 
Will it be scary and suck balls?
But I will be okay. 
Because slowly, I am learning to speak gently to myself. 
And because slowly, I'm also learning that "not okay" doesn't always equal "broken" and it's entirely possible to be not okay and okay at the same time.
And THAT is what makes it ok.


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