Thursday, April 14

David Bowie Does Not Approve

Today I saw a woman with spiky silver mullet action going on.  Her real hair looked like a wig from a an 80's music video.  Ma'am, it's no longer the 80's, and you are definitely not David Bowie.  Please note and remedy.

Tuesday, April 12

An Open Letter to the General Public

First, a few basic guidelines:


  • It's called a bra - wear it.
  • Bikini tops are not considered a shirt.
  • We don't care how pretty your little pedicure is with your ankle bracelet: put some shoes on.
  • If your butt is not actually covered, it's not actually a skirt.
  • If there is snow on the ground, high heels and bare feet only  make you look stupid, not sexy.
  • Same goes for spaghetti straps.
  • Oh honey...if you don't know how to walk in high heels, please don't wear them, because it looks painful and makes everyone cringe.


  • Cologne is not to be used as a body wash.  If everyone you walk past appears to be silently gagging - it's you.
  • On the flip side: indoor plumbing is not some newfangled witchery.  Showers.  Take them.  Regularly.
  • When you put on the 'cool/tough-guy' do know you look like a jackass, yes?
  • Standing too close/leaning/any attempt to use your larger height or size to intimidate a cashier or other female employee...all you've achieved is to piss us off and make us want to help you less.
  • Cashiers are friendly because they're supposed to be.  Just because she smiled at you doesn't mean she wants you.  (And if any of the above apply, I guarantee she doesn't want you.)
  • Spandex = Big No-No.
  • For fuck's sake, take off your sunglasses.  You're not Jack Nicholson.

Common Sense For Everyone:
  • You do not have the right to treat service workers like crap.
  • It doesn't matter how much money you make or spend in a given place - still don't have the right to treat people like crap.
  • Playing the "I didn't know" game with return policies is not acceptable. You know. Everyone knows. Don't be a dillhole.
  • If something is wrong with your order, it's not the server's fault. By all means, send it back - but politeness goes a long way. 
  • Remember, service workers are people, too. You may be having a bad day, but chances are, so is your cashier/waitress/whatever. Common courtesy is all it takes. You don't want to be the guy that the workers are bitching about/laughing at in the breakroom. And trust me, they WILL remember you if you behave badly.

Monday, April 4

Biggest Product Letdowns

In the files of most disappointing personal products:
  1. Nature's Gate Calming Shampoo - This stuff used to be the best shampoo EVER. It left hair clean, soft, invigorated...gently moisturized. After a mega sweaty workout, it was Nature's Gate to the rescue and my hair was squeaky clean without being stripped. It smelled so good, was so gentle, but so strong. They have recently changed their formula and now...blah.
  2. Neutrogena Deep Clean Cream Cleanser - The original formula was great. Made skin feel great, look great. My skin would feel clean. Several years ago, they changed the formula and yech. Ever since the big change, any time I do give it a whirl, I feel like I've spread oil on my face. Not cool.
  3. Neutrogena Oil-Free Acne Wash - It's possible my skin is just too delicate for this. But it left my skin heartbreakingly dry. Worse: my fingertips peeled. Um, no. Not acceptable.
  4. L'Oreal Voluminous Volum Naturale Mascara - This was allegedly supposed to be super smooth, very natural looking and with zero clumpy factor. Guess again. I would rank this as one of WORST mascaras I've ever tried, along with....
  5. Cover Girl Lash Blast Original Mascara - Supposed to be clump free and make eyes look bigger, more popping. Um, no. Not at all. It went on thick and heavy, glumpy and clumpy. Another in the worst mascaras ever.
  6. Loreal Ever Smooth Smoothing Hair Serum - O. M. G. If I wanted to smell like a chemical dumping station, I would hang out at a chemical dumping station. of the worst smelling hair products ever invented. And I've tried tons. Also, it coats the hair and makes it feel sticky and heavy. So absolutely not good. Doesn't even warrant a second try to see if I was unfair the first time around.
  7. Herbal Essences Touchably Smooth Shampoo & Conditioner - I actually loved this combination.  They did in fact leave my hair soft, smooth, and silky.  The one day I used them, I actually received several compliments on my hair which doesn't normally happen and more than one of those compliments included the word "bouncy."  So why would a product that can make my hair soft, smooth, silky, and bouncy be one of my Biggest Bummers?  Because of the freaking smell.  It's waaayyyy too perfumey.  I smelled it several times in the bottle and debated over it and decided it would be fine.  It wasn't.  As thoroughly as I rinsed my hair, the perfumey smell left me with a headache all morning until I finally pulled my hair into a ponytail (the exact thing I'd been trying to avoid doing!) and once I pulled the ponytail down - once again, headache city.  Screw that.