Tuesday, May 24

The Three Types of Neighbors

Let's get one thing straight: I am not a fan of neighbors.  Except for one brief period of time when I lived next door to one of my best friends, neighbors have always fallen into one of three categories:

1.) Acceptable -
     - Here we have people who are basically nice, say "Hello, how you doing?" when you cross paths on the way to the mailbox; you know the name of their dog and pet it for a few seconds. They sit on their patios in warm weather and read, and in the summer, through the patio screen door, you can hear them watching "Wheel of Fortune."  In the winter, you'll share Sunday mornings scraping the ice off your respective cars and discuss the snow. The kind of people that make you think twice about rockin' out to Blood Sugar Sex Magic while showering at 8:30 in the morning - because you don't want to disrupt them, because they are decent.   I have encountered this rare type a couple of times.

2.) Tolerable -
     - Neighbors who are tolerable are those that are somewhat strange and not always in a good way.  Sometimes their antics give you a laugh.  Maybe they listen to Spanish Christian Operas all day. Maybe they have a weird habit of playing the bongos at 3AM.  Mostly, they just keep to themselves and let you do the same.  These are the people whose names you don't know because you don't care to know.  And let's keep it that way, shall we?

3.) Assnuts -
     - The most common neighbor type.  Assnuts have no regard for anyone around them and act as though they are the only people living in your building.  Gangsta rap at 2AM on a Tuesday?  Why, of course!  Random screams from yet another bad acid trip? Naturally! Screaming fights in the hallway over drugs and cheating? Absolutely!  And lets not forget the little things that make you (me) want to smack them upside the head with a two-by-four...
Dirty looks when you pass each other in the halls
Letting their kids go in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out, in and out...
Monopolizing the laundry room (God help you if you have to wash your whites when the Laundry Mafia is in there...)
Parking their car at the space closest to the building even though they HAVE A FUCKING GARAGE!
Throwing cigarette butts onto the grass
Allowing their children to run rampant around the parking lot unsupervised and oblivious to traffic...grrr...
Complaining about the your birdfeeder bringing too many birds around "creating a ruckus."