Saturday, September 29

No touchy.

So, a few days ago, I was washing dishes. Usually we prefer to use our dishwasher, but we were out of that particular detergent so I washing by hand.
I started with the glasses, as you do.
The fourth one broke while my hand was inside it, cutting a clean slice in my right thumb.

The cut happened at about 10:15 PM, the above photo I took an hour and a half later.  It actually wasn't easy taking this photo for several reasons: 
1.) I'm right handed
2.) The click button on my camera is on the right-hand side.
3.) The stupid cut wouldn't stop bleeding and I had to keep washing it to get a clean shot.

Additionally, what is nearly impossible to see from this picture is that the entire flap of skin is actually blue and the edges are blackish.  
It was pretty awesomely gross for a bit there.
A couple hours later, I texted pictures of this and described it to two of my friends and both gave the opinion it probably needed stitches.

So I called my sister and she took me to the ER to get fixed up.
The picture is hard to see.  Again, problems taking a pic with just my left hand.  Evidently I managed to nick a vein, which explained why the bleeding would. not. stop. and also why the flap very quickly turned blue.

I had about as much fun as one can have getting stitched up at 2:30 AM; *Christine watched and I made jokes about zombies invading the hospital and about having a Frankenhand.

Note:  ER doctors do not like it when you point to things and ask "What's this for?" when they are trying to give you a local anesthetic.  Also?  You know that sheet they put over you that has the hole in it just for the area they're working on?  They REALLY don't like it when you touch that.  

See, I always thought that sheet was for focusing - like when reading fine print and you slide a paper down the page as you go so you can focus just on that one line.  No, apparently it's to keep germs out and that is why there should be "no touchy."
So to summarize: ER docs have no sense of humor about horror movies or germs.

Lastly, since it's been quite some time since my last Tetanus shot, they gave me another.  Yay!  I also was given a wonderful information sheet about the TD shot I was receiving.  
I was struck by how insanely happy the little girl pictured is about getting her Td vaccine.
This is a close-up of her from the hand out sheet they gave me.  It's possible this girl thinks somehow getting a Tetanus shot will suddenly cause her to grow a neck.

Alas, this is not the case.
(And final note: ER nurses do NOT find it amusing when you make fun of the Tetanus shot mascot.)

Thursday, September 20

15 Movies to Avoid

Hello, and welcome to another edition of Movies That Suck Super Hard.  Hope you enjoy!

1.) The Fast and the Furious 

I really liked this movie when it was made ten years earlier and called Point Break. Unfortunately the reboot is a clunky, laughable, and overdone fantasy that appears to come from the mind of a thirteen year old boy.

2.) Click

Avoid this movie at all costs.  By the time it's over, you'll want to stab yourself several times just to have something much less painful (and infinitely more cheerful) to do with your time.

3.) Forces of Nature 

An overly long, eye-rolling "comedy" that makes you despise Sandra Bullock.  Any movie that can make her hate-worthy is bad news.

4.) Burlesque

Those who follow my movie reviews page will already be familiar with the level of unoriginal torture this movie is.  For a more scathingly in-depth review of this disaster, look here.

5.) Team America: World Police

This movie starts off rather enjoyable and funny.  Then, about a half an hour in, they  exponentially up the ante on the F and C bombs - to the point that it severely distracts from any humor the movie may have had left in it.  Take it from me: if I'm put off by how much foul language is in a movie, it's really bad.

6.) Rumor Has It...

As much as I love Jennifer Aniston, this is another for the "unfortunate" column.  Watching this movie is approximately as entertaining as staring at carpet for two hours.  On the plus side, it might help with insomnia?

7.) Did You Hear About the Morgans?

Did you hear about the amazing reviews this movie got?  No, no you didn't.  One of the most ill-conceived actor pairings ever in the history of motion pictures on top of a story that makes For Richer or Poorer look like Oscar bait.  It's that bad.  (Side note: check out the imdb page for this movie and note that none of the primary people involved in the making of this film have done anything good or successful since this piece of poop.  That's what we call a career-killer.)

8.) Jerry Maguire

One of the most overrated movies of the '90's.  This movie is just God-awful and given the choice between a root canal and this movie, I'll take the drill.

9.) Just Like Heaven

A rare Reese Witherspoon fail.  Not for one second do I buy Witherspoon and Mark Ruffalo as a couple and that's the smallest of a long line of things wrong with this film.  Boring, predictable, hate-inducing. . . I could go on.  But I won't.  Not today.

10.) Failure to Launch

Okay.  I admit I am not a fan of Matthew McConaughey for several reasons, the primary one being that every interview I've read with him in it, he comes off as a shallow, egotistical douche nugget.  But that's not why I hate this film.  I hate this film because outside of the horrific acting and overly-convenient ending, the premise is the single dumbest thing I've ever seen on-screen.  And that's really saying something.

11.) The Sweetest Thing

Well, this is the movie version of the hot mess.  I've seen music videos with better acting and episodes of "Beavis & Butthead" with more complex plots.  I imagine this movie getting the green light by some guy with his tongue hanging out of his mouth and drool rolling down his chin as he slurred. . . "Dur. . . girls. . . purty."

12.) Blue Streak

It's not funny, okay?  This movie is just stupid and Luke Wilson should have known better.

13.) Gone in 60 Seconds

Know a movie that has fewer plot holes and more realism? Mosquito.  

14.) Grown Ups

Setting aside the flimsy plot, the ridiculous and unlikable characters, this movie goes on about twenty minutes too long and seems more like a reason for Sandler and crew to get together and act like seven year olds than anything else.  A thousand levels of disappointment.

15.) Adventureland

There is so much ironic nostalgia in this movie, it's like a hipster's wet dream.  Every character in the film has their head up their ass and it's one of the most boring things I've ever seen.  Ever.  Stay away from Adventureland for the good of people with brains everywhere.

All pics from