Sunday, July 30

Sunday Confessions: July 30, 2017 (A bit late.)

I Confess: I miss blogging desperately! I feel like I'm back. I don't want to make excuses. I was going through a serious depression funk, and when I started coming out of it, it was all work exhaustion. I enjoy my job, but the nature of it turns me into Lazy Lazerton after work. 

I Confess: I have only been to the beach once this summer. (It was awesome!) But seriously...once. And part of me is already like "Come on, September!" 
I don't want to miss the sun. I want to enjoy the summer while it is here. 
But that's the problem with working in an industry & city where summer is the busiest season except for Christmas. You don't really get to enjoy it as much as you'd like. Mostly I just want all the little shits kids to go back to school. Also, Halloween. 

I Confess: I am pleased to be back blogging. Dude. I need this connection and way to get things out into the world. I actually think it's good for my mental health. I'm not even kidding.

Image result for friends gif

Well, that's it for today. Next week I am planning to add the link-up do-dad at the bottom of the page. :) 

Friday, July 28

Film Friday: Resident Evil: Afterlife


So Afterlife picks up (mostly) right where Extinction ends. We get our standard Alice Intro., and then are treated to approximately 10 minutes of Alice Clones attacking Umbrella's underground HQ beneath Japan. As far as fight scenes go, it's not bad, per se. But as far as advancing the plot is concerned, it doesn't add much. It's clearly there for no other reason than 1.) The theater release was 3D and 2.) To pad the run time. The takeaway from the intro is: all the Alice Clones end up dead, and the Real Alice is now just another run-of-the-mill person. No more super powers.[Also: Wesker is the funniest fucker ever. I love him.]

* * *

Then we have Alice arriving in Alaska looking for Claire Redfield and the other survivors that she sent off toward the mythical Arcadia. She wastes screen time looking around (mysteriously in full date night make-up) before finally coming upon Claire, who attacks her. Why? Well, in a nutshell . . .

Creepy control device that is obviously what would be the love child
of blue scarabs from The Mummy and the Chest Bursters from Alien.

After stopping at Sephora to get Claire a makeover, they fly back to the mainland and happen upon the first sign of life they've seen in long time - a prison that is surrounded by zombies. Alice crash lands and we meet our new group of...heroes Dead Meats.
They encounter Chris Redfield, played by Wentworth Miller.
They spend the next few minutes just dinking around, letting us learn the names and previous occupations of our Dead Meats before they are put through the grinder.

Then, plot advancement! These assholes show up:

Majini Undead

Oh no! Our heroes are all, "Well, crap. We totes can't stay here anymore. And since that big 'ole ship over there on the coast is the REAL Arcadia - for REALSIES, we should try to go there." 

 scarymovie GIF

For absolutely no reason except he's kinda cool and the plot says so, The Executioner, a.k.a., The Axeman, shows up. One of the best things to come out of RE 5, I have no trouble understanding why they put him in for the looking cool factor. And he does serve to beat down the prison doors. However, he has no backstory, no origin. At one point they just randomly show him walking down the street and showing up at the prison and beating his way in.

He IS a cool looking boss, both in games and movie - no doubt about it. And he does serve to up the urgency factor because now not only are our characters like "we can't stay here," but they're like "Ok, SERIOUSLY, NOT KIDDING, WE REALLY CAN'T STAY HERE."
But no explanation....AT ALL. Come on.

***Note: If you'd like to see The Executioner's Introduction in the game, you can do that here.***
And here is a video of battling him, with helpful tips.

* * * 

So, in the last portion of our movie, we find ourselves on the "really for real this time" Good Ship Arcadia. And wouldn't you know it. . . 


So they run around the Arcadia and would you believe, the one behind it all is Wesker? [See above gif.] Wesker is now a master of Matrix Bullet Time and the final boss battle of this movie ensues. Wesker ends up dead. (Anyone who has played the games knows that Wesker is never dead. Even when he's dead, he's not dead.) 

The movie caps off with the remaining survivors aboard the Arcadia being all Happy-Happy Joy-Joy until the end credits cut scenes show us Jill Valentine is back, (still played by Sienna Guillory, but now sporting Jill's RE 5 look. 

Also: I tried but was unable to trace this from pinterest back to the original source.
If this image belongs to you, let me know so I can give proper credit. 

So now Jill is blonde and as we see, wearing an evil Scarab/Chest Burster thing that means she is under Jafar's Umbrella's control and she's currently evil. And her ship full of commandos are all preparing to attack the Arcadia and all the survivors on board, with Alice being the primary target. 

And that is where we end the fourth installment in the RE movie franchise. Thus far, it's the worst in the series. 
There are SO SO SO MANY problems with this one that I don't even know where to begin listing them.
The pacing is terrible, the acting is bad. Alice and Claire are somehow (about five or six years into the zombie apocalypse now), running around with full eyeliner, hair gel, lipstick, the works. Motivation, explanation...these things no longer exist and we now live in a world where everything happens because Paul W.S. Anderson just says so, that's why. Logic doesn't exist, so don't even go down that dark path for fear of getting lost forever. 

It has moments. Fun little moments that are enjoyable enough. Every once in a while I will have this on as some kind of background distraction if I'm jonesing for that specific type of stupidity. But I still have to fast forward the boring beginning stuff. 
The single best part about this movie is Albert Wesker. Every scene he is in is just delightful. 

Ties to the game: Claire Redfield again. Chris Redfield. The Executioner. The Majini Undead. Albert Wesker becoming Super Wesker! complete with glowing eyes and sunglasses-throwing-action. Zombie dogs that somehow split in half...? Jill Valentine's look and being under control. The actual PLOT is so far removed from the game.


Heads Up:  Violence, Monsters, Gore, Uncontrollable Ridiculousness, Douchebaggery, Terminal Boredom.