Truth Bombs, True Confessions and It's Getting Real Up in Here
Yes, I know my title is all nerdy and not cool or hip. I do not care because I am not hip.
This post is me talking about sensitive stuff I don't actually want to share but I am because I'm trying to be brave, even though I am a total chicken-shit.
Okay, here we go:
I'm Insecure About Work:
I totally pretend I'm not. I like to act like I think I'm confident and I know what I'm doing. My superiors have given me an "excels" in self-confidence. I totally don't excel at it. I am obsessed with not making mistakes and being perfect which is awful because I work in retail - nothing is ever perfect. I hate closing the store at night knowing that the clothes and shelves aren't as straight, organized, and clean as I think they should be. (Dude, it's a store, it will never, ever, be as organized as I think it should be.)
I hate screwing up and especially little things, like when I can't quite figure out how to transfer a call from the portable phone to a certain number in corporate, when I forget to update my calendar, when I don't get everything done that I want to get done. Another every-single-day thing. I keep feeling like a little kid playing in adult shoes when people ask me to make decisions and be responsible for stuff, even though it's my job.
I Am Fat.
Not "quit drinking Starbucks and you'll lose five pounds this month easy-peasy" that many magazines seem to think is fat, but actual fat that comes from a lifetime of combination psychological & physical issues that feed off one another. I'd like to write about this more because there's the whole "You're only as sick as your secrets" but then again...there's a reason we don't talk about it. So, yeah. I'm worried that if I share more on this subject (like, real inside my mind stuff) people will judge/hate me.
I'm Not Sure What to Say:
I find myself editing what I want to say here A LOT. I find myself more and more getting worried that I might offend someone if I swear too much, if I talk about something too personal, if I get too worked up and argumentative. On a recent post where I ranted about how women are portrayed in the media, my own husband's reaction when I asked him what he thought was: "I read it." When I pressed him further, he said it seemed kind of.... and made a cat-claw motion. (And he's incredibly supportive and encouraging and NOT a caveman-type and that was still his reaction.)
Some of my favorite bloggers and favorite posts are from people being hugely, hard-core honest and totally themselves and often fits into the category of intensely personal shit. Not a week goes by where Kathy at Vodka and Soda doesn't share some weird shit her body is doing and I totally love it. Yet...am I that brave? Nope. I work hard to have a "fuck it, if they don't like it, don't read it - I blog for me" attitude, but again....worry. Because sometimes I just want to blog that eating crap gives you poop cramps, but I guess....I worry. Fuck, I worry about what you guys think of me, okay?
Well, that's it for now. This is just the very tip of the crazy iceberg.
Thoughts?
Not "quit drinking Starbucks and you'll lose five pounds this month easy-peasy" that many magazines seem to think is fat, but actual fat that comes from a lifetime of combination psychological & physical issues that feed off one another. I'd like to write about this more because there's the whole "You're only as sick as your secrets" but then again...there's a reason we don't talk about it. So, yeah. I'm worried that if I share more on this subject (like, real inside my mind stuff) people will judge/hate me.
I'm Not Sure What to Say:
I find myself editing what I want to say here A LOT. I find myself more and more getting worried that I might offend someone if I swear too much, if I talk about something too personal, if I get too worked up and argumentative. On a recent post where I ranted about how women are portrayed in the media, my own husband's reaction when I asked him what he thought was: "I read it." When I pressed him further, he said it seemed kind of.... and made a cat-claw motion. (And he's incredibly supportive and encouraging and NOT a caveman-type and that was still his reaction.)
Some of my favorite bloggers and favorite posts are from people being hugely, hard-core honest and totally themselves and often fits into the category of intensely personal shit. Not a week goes by where Kathy at Vodka and Soda doesn't share some weird shit her body is doing and I totally love it. Yet...am I that brave? Nope. I work hard to have a "fuck it, if they don't like it, don't read it - I blog for me" attitude, but again....worry. Because sometimes I just want to blog that eating crap gives you poop cramps, but I guess....I worry. Fuck, I worry about what you guys think of me, okay?
Well, that's it for now. This is just the very tip of the crazy iceberg.
Thoughts?