Tuesday, January 30


So a couple weeks ago I broke down at work.
For those who may not know, I have a history of depression and anxiety.
Over the past fourteen years, I have gone through some different medications and combinations and different therapists.
In the spring of 2015, I was admitted to Center One and upon release, I was eventually hooked up with a therapist I will call Ms. Yellow.
Now, I have seen Ms. Yellow over time, off and on. And she is an awesome-fucking-therapist. Like, holy-crap-the-best. I'm sure she doesn't work for everyone, but sometimes you have a therapist you click with and they get you and you get how they work and it works.

And my meds were basically on point.
Fast forward to October 2017. It is my final appointments with Ms. Yellow, who used to work at a state-funded clinic for broke-ass people, but is going private practice. Which is good. The clinic was being all "the government runs us, so you follow our rules, regardless of what you think is best for the patient." Also...achieving your dreams, moving on and up, all the things. So amazing and good for her!
Also? In October 2017, I have zero insurance and can't afford her hourly rate. And people are like "that's expensive!" and I'm like "she's worth twice that!" (Note: to her credit, Ms. Yellow was all "we can work something out with the payment stuff" but I was like no, not doing that because...well. I wasn't.)

So November goes by and things are fine, money's tight and work is awful, but I'm dealing. December 5 comes along and one of my Rx's is due for a refill and I'm like $36 is a lot of money when they totally just changed around our pay schedule. Also? I'm fine, I probably don't need this one anymore. And so I just didn't refill it and went about my life. Also, I didn't tell anyone I stopped taking it because people are all argumentative and "don't do that" and such.

So fast forward to the middle of January. It's been one of the single roughest holiday seasons I've ever had. Work is exhausting, everyone is burned out and grumpy, the weather is freezing and dismal and also I've not had a therapy session since end of October and also am about 6 weeks out from cold turkey dropping a psych med.

So I snapped. I just freaking snapped. I don't even remember what set me off, but I told Shawn my anxiety was high (it was) and I needed a minute to gather myself. And then I started sobbing and squigging out and it was all very embarrassing indeed. Shawn had to take me home and the next day people were all:

And we got my Rx filled and yes, I'm still taking them and yes, I can feel that they are getting into my system and going to work to help keep me more level. (I am not talking about fast-acting anti-anxiety meds or any kind of benzodiazepines. (However, a co-worker friend who deals with the same stuff I do did give me on of her benzos [one I have taken before] to help me Chill. The. Hell. Out. at the time and I am super grateful.) 

I am thinking about touching base with Ms. Yellow, but I'm sitting on it, because my insurance is utter shit. Like, total shit. But it's all we could afford. (However, I'm delighted to report that it does cover our Rx's. So there's that.) I don't even know if it covers behavioral health services at all. So we will see. 
And yes, I am ok. 
The moral of the story is this: 

Sunday, January 28

Sunday Confessions January 28, 2018

I Confess: My brain completely spaced on it being Sunday until about 30 seconds ago. 

I Confess: I bought a new pair of work shoes and I ended up with a blister on my right heel and it was very painful today and so when we went to the market after work, I made Shawn push me around in a wheel chair so I wouldn't have to walk on it anymore while we bought various painful feet paraphernalia.

I Confess: My cat has been extra affectionate lately and I'm totally okay with it.  

Saturday, January 20

Sunday Confessions: January 21, 2018

I Confess: I had a mental meltdown at work yesterday (er, Friday). Super embarrassing. I will be doing a post about this later in the week. But long story short: don't stop taking psychiatric drugs cold turkey, kids. Especially not during the holiday season. Especially when you're not actively in therapy.

I Confess: We bought a blu ray player because our Wii U has been being a dipstick (we use it to watch Hulu) and I'm super stoked because I could never truly figure out how to use the controls on a playstation remote when trying to watch a blu ray. So, score. (We spent $60 on it, which came out of Shawn's prize money from winning his fantasy football league.) 

I Confess: My computer is annoying the piss out of me tonight because it's running slow and I'm just like "move it along, Assy Asserton!"

Looking forward to seeing your confessions!

Wednesday, January 17

What I Learned (About Myself) in 2017

Shout-out to Hayley at Hsaysblog whose post inspired me to write this one.

1.) I need girlfriends.
As adults I think it's far too easy to get caught up in the day-to-day of working full-time, being a wife, mother, (or whatever your familial obligations), trying to be socially and politically conscious, responsible, all the things. Additionally, it is way too easy for us me to isolate. I am an isolator. (And ironically, so are most of my closest friends.) (Side note: the more I open up about my isolationist tendencies, the more I hear "me too!", so I kind of assume this is widespread thing.)
Anyway....I made a good friend at work, whom I'm going to call *Angela. Well, Angela and I try to get together on the regular - usually just for coffee and often, not even that - just chatting and walking around places. But my friendship with her has offered me the chance to gab about non-important girly things - the cute guy at work, the creepy guy at work, boys we'd like to lick like cheese off of a cracker, (Daniel Radcliffe)  hair color, youtube videos, etc. Girl time prevents me from going 'round the bend.

Note: my other girlfriends *Melody, *Marie, and *Rose all keep me from going crazy in major ways, it was just hanging with Angela made me realize the extent to which it is important to my sanity.

2.) I am allowed to be upset.
(Dude, I know.) It's so obvious. Like, frickin' duh. But (for various reasons) anger is a difficult emotion for me both to be around in others and also to have. I'm not going to explain here, because - wow - we'd be here all day. But only in the past eight months or so have I come to truly understand that anger can be ok, that not all anger is somehow my fault, not all bad moods have something to do with me, and it is ok for me to feel angry, hurt, or sad - and what's more - to express that. (Dude, I KNOW it's obvious, but for me, this is a major thing.)

3.) Sensory Overload
My work is a noisy place. We have the noise from the chopping and cutting. Music playing overhead. Fryer alarms are going off. The phone is ringing. Servers are chattering and calling out things. The expo person is hollering for food runners and needing more cheese sticks. A cook is pissed off and throwing things around. Another is arguing with someone. The dish machine is running and the dishwasher is rushing to stack plates. Someone else is talking nonstop. A random person is singing a random song. The meat cutter turns on his playlist of thrash metal, the exhaust fans are blowing full power - it's too much. It's all just too much. I want to hide, I want to pull a hat down over my eyes and ears. It's all coming in - too much at once and I feel like I am being attacked. I am a cornered animal and ready to lash out. There is just too much. I need to isolate myself not so much emotionally, but physically. I need to get away from the crazy and have quiet and alone time. I know this is a bit introvert-y, and I am an introvert, but this is a visceral reaction that has physical consequences and it's important for me to tend to that need.

What kinds of things did you learn about yourself over the past year? Anything you're seeking to learn about yourself?