Film Friday: Christmas Break-In
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What the actual fuck is this movie?
Not just taking nods or winks from Home Alone, Christmas Break-In is essentially the Home Alone story, with a few plot points photoshopped so it's not a 100% rip-off.
The main character is Izzy, a nine year old with Christina Aguilera's Lady Marmalade hair.
More than anything in the entire world, she wants a Fender guitar for Christmas. And wouldn't you know it? Today only, there is a sale for 50% off! She's been building up to this and reminding her terrible parents about it for ages: pick her up after school and take her to get the guitar.
And of course, they forget.
Meanwhile, the three dumbest criminals in the world (they make Harry & Marv from Home Alone look like a couple of damn geniuses), decide to hide out in the closed school for a while until the
At any rate, obviously they hide out in the same school that our plucky heroine is still in, and hi-jinks ensue.
Believe it or not, THAT'S not what's ridiculous about this movie.
Nine year old Izzy is best friends with janitor Ray. Who...is allowed to keep his dog with him all day at work? Which would make sense if they had put a service vest on the dog. But no. By all accounts, the dog, Grace, is just a pet.
And Izzy spends all her free time and recess with janitor Ray. In his office. And no one seems to question this. And the fact that he has an office. Like, a big one that he appears to live in, except he obviously doesn't, because he goes home at the end of the day. But the office is decorated and he keeps his prize guitar in there and it's like...what is happening here?
I don't even think there are any teachers in this movie that I recall. I mean, isn't there a rule or something that all kids have to be actually picked up/on a bus before the faculty can leave? Doesn't the principal at least have to stay if there is a stray child? The girl is CLEARLY out there waiting for her terrible parents, it's not like she was hiding out.
And then when the parents finally realize they have yet again failed to be halfway decent, instead of being Katherine O'Hara and all "How could we? We're terrible!", these parents are like "Man, how could we? Well, we can't be blamed. We are busy."
Ultimately everything works out and at the end, the family has janitor Ray over for Christmas because...heartwarming? and at the end of wrapping all the presents, the parents are like "Oh, we have one more special gift for Izzy..."
....and it's.....
a guitar case.
The fucking case.
It's like.. you are terrible parents. You actually should be attempting to buy your child's love at this point; you owe her a damn guitar.
But never mind, because janitor Ray is giving his classic prize guitar to Izzy, so all is well. (And the parents didn't know this, they were just going to go on being shits.)
This movie has to be seen to be believed.
E
Heads Up: No warnings that I can remember.
Currently available on Netflix.
What the fuck even??? Like, if the parents had been in on the janitor's gift, like they helped pay for a guitar, and just wanted to be annoying with the empty guitar case gift... Also, even a half off guitar is a very expensive, very inappropriate gift for the janitor to be buying for her just because she wants it? Is he supposed to be like Santa or something?? This movie makes no sense. Having a child stuck at a school with robbers could work as a plot... but done very differently. Like, she had left the school like normal but went back because she forgot her beloved guitar, and needed it for the holiday break because her gift to her parents was a song she wrote, and then the snow storm intensified and then she was stuck... There. Boom.
ReplyDeleteExactly!!! And the janitor was giving her his beloved guitar from the days he played in a band with the woman he loved. Like, this was his prized possession he gave this kid. WTF? And yeah, your comment has better reasoning in 30 seconds than the entire run time of this movie.
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