Something I Have Been Holding Back

Something I Have Been Holding Back

 

There is Something Wrong With Me.

I do not know what. 

The many doctors I have seen don't know what. 

They have suspicions of varying likelihood.

There are a couple of front-runners which I will not yet name here.

 

I am not yet willing to share all my symptoms, mainly because I desperately want to hear that X, Y, or Z is just part of aging, or is such-and-such, with an easy fix. 

 

 

 

Because the truth is - I'm scared. 

Even the mildest, simplest, most hey-that's-not-so-bad of the front runners is a life changer, forcing me into yet another New Normal. 

 

I'm feeling a lot of things. 

Anger. Rage. Frustration. Fear. Grief. Overwhelmed. Hopeful? Lost. Trapped. Desperately worried.

I try not to focus on it too much, not to allow my thoughts to drift too deep into Anxiety Alley. I'm trying very hard not to allow myself to fall into Catastrophic Thinking. I am trying very hard to be positive, hopeful, optimistic. 

I want to believe that once the experts I am being referred to can give me some answers, that we can develop a plan of care that will allow me to have my life back.

As of now, I worry that I will never have my life back. And to a point, I won't. 

But I hope to find a way to be able to write again. To walk normally again. To regain control of my body.

I have reached out to my previous therapist and I am on her waiting list. The wait is considerable, but shit's not going anywhere, and she is fucking awesome and already knows me. 

 

With my family, I have been very flippant and dismissive of symptoms. I am fairly private (believe it or not) and part of why I'm able to post this is because I know that my readers are in the single digits. With my family, I actually have only shared a few of the myriad symptoms I have. All for various reasons. 

My little brother would worry himself sick. 

My sister, god bless her, is the reigning queen of catastrophic thinking and also has no ability to keep shit to herself. All will be reported to the rest of the family in the most dramatic fashion possible.

And my dad. . .

is my dad. 

He is extremely stoic and generally presents an unbothered front. In part due to Sister's efforts at *Dramatization. He does his best not to feed into the *Dramatization. He has dealt with severe hemophilia his entire life, where losing a tooth can (and did) result in hospitalization. (Treatment for this is significantly improved since his childhood. But it is still a looming threat and even a bad enough cut (which is not particularly bad at all) requires a transfusion.) So he has dealt with the shadow of the possibility of sickness, hospitalization, and death his entire life. His side of our family runs rampant with not insignificant diseases, injuries, and disabilities. 

So his generally unbothered attitude is warranted and expected. It can also be dismissive. HE can be dismissive. As can my stepmom. 

Which is why I don't feel I can discuss any of this with them until I know for sure what's going on. 

I guess that contributes to feeling isolated, which is another reason why I decided to post this.

I will update as I learn more. In the meantime, I am being referred to the Neurology Dept. at U of M, but have no idea when I will see them. 

So. In conclusion. . .