Sunday Confessions: July 16, 2023

Sunday Confessions: July 16, 2023

 

I Confess:

We're in the final countdown. My first neurology appointment is coming soon. (Specifically, Thursday the 20th.) I am looking forward to it and am also terrified. 

Terrified of so many things. 

 

I know I won't be getting a diagnosis this week. 

But I'm anxious about....what lies beneath.

 

 

When I first shared on this blog about having some sort of neurological problem, it was March 22. I had already been referred to University of Michigan Neurology by then, but the appointment hadn't been scheduled. Obviously I was already having issues problematic enough for the referral. 

The thing I haven't shared: 

I've been steadily declining since then. 

It's a long story I hope to tell someday. On youtube, maybe. I'd like to write it as well.

I have been struggling just to survive - on several fronts.  

 

There is so much I want to say and I feel so incapable of saying it right now. 

I have a lot of anger at the medical profession right now. Well, I'm angry at my PCP, who recently decided to join the "I can't figure it out so have you considered you're making it up?" school of medicine. Also, I have cried out for help, for pain management, for someone to do something, and I have been met with sympathetic "that must be frustrating" emails. 

In one email, when I expressed my feelings of helplessness and frustration, at the end, I made the joke that if I end up having a tumor I'm going to be pissed. Her response was that my last MRI (in September) didn't show a tumor, so that should be a source of comfort. 

 

I was not comforted.

 

 

The truth is, I am floating the idea of trying to find a new PCP. I don't know. I just don't know. 

I can't even begin to express the rage I have at the ER staff I have interacted with on the multiple occasions Urgent Care or my PCP sent me over the past few months. 

I'm worried the doctors at U of M will be condescending and dismissive as they have been up here. I'm worried I'm losing my mind. I'm worried about what I might have, although some options are scarier than others. I'm worried about how long it's going to take to find out just what is going on. 

It's just. Sleep is hard. Nightmares abound. I'm not in a good way, generally speaking. I just want it to get here already.