Sunday, October 21

Sunday Confessions: October 21st, 2018

I Confess: I have not decorated for Halloween. (And I don't plan to.) I am just not feeling it this year. I haven't even been watching scary movies. I was planning to do a ranking of the Halloween films for a Film Friday review. But, alas, meh.

I Confess: I have tried to design several new graphics for Sunday Confessions and I hate every single one of them. 

I Confess: I only recently figured out that you could make graphics in word by using alt+ and various numbers. 

I Confess: On the flip side of not watching scary movies, I have been reading a lot more lately. Mostly short story collections. 

I Confess: It's 8:30 on a Saturday night and I am going to bed now. 



Sunday, October 14

Sunday Confessions October 14, 2018

I Confess: I got pulled over on the way home from work. I'm all "Wah?" but apparently I randomly forgot to renew my plate registration. So I had been driving on expired registration since May. So I'm like:

I Confess: It has been several weeks now where I'm like: "I really need to get back into blogging...oh look - [insert distraction]. 

I Confess: It's already 3 in the afternoon. I got way distracted while working on this post and I still have to clean the house and I'm supposed to be working on writing. Thank god I have tomorrow off work as well. I need a snack. 

I Confess: Blogging isn't the only thing I've neglected. See above: housework. Shit. Snack and then work. For sure.

Friday, July 13

Film Friday: Jungle


Yes, just in case you are wondering, I am doing a bit of a Felton/Radcliffe theme right now. Because I can. 

Yes, I am going to confess. I am one of those people, in that I would probably not have bothered to watch this film if it wasn't for the star. I feel like I should be sorry that I'm not a person who gravitates toward dramatic and important films on the regular. There is a part of me that feels like a better person would. So yes, I confess. I watched this movie because I think Daniel Radcliffe is an enjoyable actor, not because I was so enchanted with the idea of the story in and of itself.

With that out of the way, let's explore Jungle, shall we?

It's based on a true story. (And it important to make that distinction, because "based on" a true story is far different from "inspired by" a true story. [Based on is meant to be more accurate.])

The summary of the story introduction sounds like it belongs in the "stupid tourists" sub-sub genre of horror films: backpacking friends meet a shady dude who offers to take them deep into the Amazon Jungle for real experience and shit. Which they go, because they want to REALLY EXPERIENCE life and The Jungle and such. (Incidentally, the director of this film also directed Wolf Creek.)
And shit goes down.
It starts slowly and continues and eventually through various events, Yossi winds up on his own.
For three fucking weeks, yo.

I have to admire Radcliffe's dedication to...destroying himself? Ugh. He starts off the movie handsome and adorable and by the end he looks like utter shit. I admire that because he didn't have to. CGI could have been used. (Probably to ill effect, but still. It was a possibility.) However, I admire it because hunger in itself can be such a demon. And this was obviously a very physical movie to make. But I admire authenticity and dedication. (Okay, there are some actors who go off the deep end and pull the whole "dead animals and used condoms" shit.) But that wasn't this. You get my point.

The movie is a MOVIE and therefore a lot of the psychological transformation happens through visual things, because film is a visual medium. (Apparently some critics felt too much was done through visual work, not enough...I don't know? Well, if that's what you want - read the book.)

There were things I wished I could know more about.
❖ I wanted to know more about Yossi's relationship with Marcus. How close of friends they were, how long they'd been hanging out together before this happened.
❖ There is a scene where Ghinsberg runs into a jungle woman, and I'd like to know if that was real or another hallucination. (Though perhaps Ghinsberg himself doesn't know.)
❖ I really wish I could know more about the guide, Karl.

Ultimately, I have decided to read the book, because I am genuinely curious to know more about the whole ordeal and perhaps be able to get the answers to these and other questions I have.

And of course, I was impressed that even though I knew the ending, I was still on edge and worried and even though I'd already watched the "behind the scenes" and such before watching the film, I was still grossed out at certain points. Which takes some doing, let me tell you.

I would liked to have seen just a bit more detail as to the relationship of some of the characters, the push and pull for leadership, what was going on in the heads of the three friends.

And finally, though about half to two-thirds of the movie is Daniel Radcliffe in the jungle by himself, I was never bored. And not just because of it being Radcliffe, but because my attention was genuinely held.


Heads Up: Language, Some Drug Use

Friday, July 6

Film Friday: The Apparition


Let's start with the tagline, shall we? 
"Once You Believe....You Die"

They do make a cursory "blink and you'll miss it" nod to the concept of belief being the catalyst which allows the spirit to attack, an idea which has been used (to much greater effect) in several other movies, notably The Skeleton Key, which is a far superior movie.
          ◆ The movie stars primarily Ashley Greene, most famous for her role as Alice Cullen in the Twilight films. (Groan.) And her boyfriend, Bucky Barnes Sebastian Stan. (It is worth noting that I have never seen any of the Captain America films, including Winter Soldier, so I cannot speak for the quality of Stan's acting as a whole. What I an say is that in THIS movie, he could have easily been replaced with a scarecrow and the performance wouldn't have lost anything. 
So yeah...the acting is shit. (Except for Tom Felton, who is drastically underused.)

 1.) There are a few scenes of "found footage/home recording" that is all shaky and jumpy with lines and stuff, as if it had been filmed with a shit camera in the seventies. During an alien invasion.
(I believe - especially with the !science! angle - that the presence of the supernatural is supposed to be creating interference. But they never say that, and the interference was there before the experiment was started, so no points for that round.
2.) The film starts off at point A, and then some shit goes down and then it suddenly goes to point...? C? F? There is little use of names, and even more egregiously, after point A skips to point ?, there is no "two years later" or whatever. So timeline establishment is poor, to say the least.

        ◆ I don't know if it's because the writer/director is a fan of horror and deliberately did it, but there are a handful of scenes that are wildly reminiscent of Dawn of the Dead 2004. Perhaps it was done as a shout-out? If so, it was a poor choice on several levels.

        ◆ Several things are spoiled in the trailer. Like, LOTS. 
        ◆ The entire ending is stupid. Just stupid and pointless and all-around lame as shit.

        ◆ The entire movie is Paranormal Activity but without being entirely found footage, and much less cohesive.

I could continue to rip this movie apart, but the fact that it currently has a rotten tomatoes score of 3% and only 24% of the audience giving it 2.5 or higher, is telling enough.


Heads Up: Language? Maybe? Ashley Greene spends plenty of time running around half-dressed, but there is no nudity. (Or scares.)

Wednesday, June 27

Lazy Monday Trip

On Monday, Shawn and I went for a little drive for fun. 
The weather was perfect - between 78°-86°.
We didn't go far. 

First, we stopped at one of the many scenic lookout spots that we have on our coastline.

 We stopped into a bar/grill intending to have lunch, but when we opened the door, it was like a scene in a movie where someone walks into a bar and suddenly everything goes silent and everyone turns as one to look and see who is there. I WISH I was exaggerating that. But it couldn't have happened better if a director had stood there and yelled "action!" So we awkwardly sat down and had some (shitty quality) cheese sticks and bailed.

We drove around and checked out nature reserves and tiny lakes and ended up going on a ridiculous trail hike which was only 1.2 miles, but it was all little hills with a steady trend upward.

When we eventually reached the first lookout spot on the trail, the view was of course worth it.

We ended up having a light dinner at The Mayfair Tavern in Elberta and then headed home.

It was a fun day. 

The Lake Michigan coastline is insanely beautiful. Some views require hikes, some don't. Some hikes are harder than others. But the view is always worth it. 

Friday, May 11

Film Friday: Train to Busan


First, let's take a look at the trailer: 

A (South) Korean horror film about zombies. That is mostly what you need to know about Train to Busan.
The first ten minutes or so are "slow" in that they work at developing character and showing motivation. It doesn't take long for the action to start, and once it does, there are few moments where the characters - and therefore the audience - are left to catch their breath, and most of those are filled with quiet suspense or even dread - because you know it's not over, you know everything will NOT be okay. It's done to good effect, demonstrating that our characters are not getting a break. (You know how some movies have so much action because the plot is thinner than 1-ply and the characters are worse than fiberboard? This is NOT that.) Of course, I won't go saying this movie delves deep into the human condition or who's-the-real-monster or anything like that. But you definitely can root for them, and care about why they are doing what they are doing.

I found it rather enjoyable, all around. Good action, truly terrifying zombies. 
For those looking for deeper meaning or prefer more science to their zombie films, this won't be enjoyable. But for anyone who just enjoys the genre, it should satisfy.

The only real problem I had with Train to Busan is there is some hinting at a bit of a larger story, where the source and cause of the outbreak is implied, although there had really been nothing earlier in the film to indicate said source/cause. HOWEVER. That said, it is a Korean film, and it is entirely possible and in fact likely that the larger story part got lost in translation. Still, it doesn't take away from the enjoyment of the movie overall. 


Heads Up: Violence (fricken duh), blood/gore, mild language.

Sunday, May 6

Sunday Confessions: May 6, 2018

I Confess: I was goofing off on instagram looking at Harry Potter shit, when instagram helpfully suggested that I might be interested in following Tom Felton. And you know what? Why yes, thank you instagram, I think I will.

I Confess: I used Color Oops to remove hair color buildup from my hair and also hopefully even out the tone. And now my hair is roughly this color. And not in a good, happy way. But in a maybe-I-should-just-shave-my-damn-head way. I'm sure it will fade and become more natural with more washings and eventually I will be coloring it again. But seriously.

I Confess: You may or may not know that I have a tendency to bounce around with my writing. Which is not conducive to productivity/goal reaching and such, but is kinda fun because I give myself free license to just write what I'm down to write. 
So I decided to write some porn stuff. And it started off great...until a plot started developing and characters started getting developed and so now it's like a normal novella, but with smut. 


Although it has been SUPER fun to write! 

Do you read anything erotic/smutty/porny? Would you? If so, what level of plot-to-smut do you like? What kind of stuff would you read? You can respond here or via facebook messenger or private instagram message or whatever. I really am looking for feedback.

Friday, March 23

Film Friday: Love, Simon


Love, Simon is a light and sweet coming-of-age story with the twist that Simon is not just coming of age, he's coming out. It is very much reminiscent of the John Hughes films of the eighties and I mean that as a compliment. Based on the book Simon vs. the Homosapiens Agenda,(which I loved and definitely recommend), the film stays fairly loyal to its source material with only minor changes.  

There are plenty of laughs and a couple of moments that aren't necessarily tear-inducing, but my eyes got a little misty and I welled up a little bit. 
Simon makes us genuinely care for him, and to genuinely root for him as if he is someone we know. The ending is a bit clich√© and probably takes the furthest steps from the book, but in context of the movie, it at least makes sense and itsn't over-the-top ridiculous. 
While the performances didn't call for Oscar level commitments to character or scene, the acting was solid, and I do think everyone came across as true. Nick Robinson has been on the way up for a few years now and this movie solidifies his future as a lead actor. It wasn't necessary to have Jennifer Garner play the mom, since it is a small role, but perhaps her star power helped the film get made and - as anyone with an electronic device can attest to - advertised the hell out of. (Smart move, 20th Century Fox. Smart move, indeed.) 

Heads Up: Language. 


Saturday, March 17

Sunday Confessions: March 18, 2017

I Confess: Work has been stressful lately. I got written up for "talking smack" & "spreading rumors" about a co-worker - the one I referenced in last week's SC, saying I had hatey feelings. I'm going to call this person *Travis. So, Travis had/has a bit of a cliquey club, of which he was the ringmaster of. So one of his friends did something that got on my nerves and I snapped and said I was sick of this little clique's bullshit. (Only two people were around at the time, neither members of his little group. Anyhow... Travis and all his little cliquey friends find out and they all go the store manager to tattle that I said mean things. Which is true. I said them, and they were NOT NICE. But. They were true
(Admittedly, I probably shouldn't have spouted off that I hope he chokes on a bag of dicks.)

I Confess: The same day I got written up, Travis quit. Just walked in at his normal shift time and said "I'm done." I do not know what reason he gave for quitting, but I suspect it was something along the lines of "can't work with her anymore." What no one knows (or gives a shit about) is that Travis didn't suddenly feel like he just couldn't take working with me anymore. He had been job hunting for months, had a job lined up, and for MONTHS he had been saying, "When I leave here, I'm going to come in on (X) day and be like 'See ya! Do X Yourself!'" 
But either no one else knows or cares or whatever, because somehow it is my fault that 'Saint Travis' decided to quit and leave them in a lurch.


I Confess: The backlash has been...draining. The manager who was besties with Travis has not retaliated because - that's a big no-no, but the vibe is there, and the snide remarks are made with the rest of the their little Cirque Du Clique in corners like a group of twelve year olds. (Most of these people are in their early twenties and I am SO VERY MUCH reminded of how many kids I work with.) A few people have "unfriended" me on facebook, which is fine, because I barely use it anyway and I don't want their bullshit in my feed at this point anyhow. There has been silent treatment from a couple people, no one deeply important. When others chat with me, a couple of the clique members give them dirty looks √° la Ron Weasley "You're fraternizing with the enemy." It's honestly like being back in elementary school.

I Confess: Most people at work have been fine, and a few of my friendships have been unharmed - so far, only time will tell with a couple of them. A small handful of people are like "this whole thing is dumb, people are so immature, WTF, also, let's sing!" I'm sure in time the bullshit will die down, even if their hatred of me for my hatred of their leader will not. 
It's just stupid and petty and seriously just draining. 

I Confess: I still hope he chokes. Maybe I've added a person or two to that list. 

Related image

stock photo credit:

Wednesday, March 14

Body Shape | Le Sigh

{{{This post was inspired by/poached from this post by Heather.}}}

Well, let's start with the basics: 
I'm not going to tell you my exact measurements because while I am working on body acceptance and body positivity (for all sizes and shapes and colors and ALL) - I'd be lying if I said I was okay with my own size/weight and sharing it with the world. Maybe someday.

What I will share is that I am 5'2", for all intents and purposes. Depends how straight I stand up.
My bra size is DD and I find it hard to find a bra that fits well and is reasonably comfortable. That's all I ask for, and it's practically impossible, unless I want to spend $60+. (The answer is no.)

When I got married in 2006 and got fitted for my wedding dress, my measurements were:
Your bust is size 18.
Your waist is size 14.
Your hips are size 10.
(I am bigger/ heavier now.)

For me, there is no guesswork.
I am an:
inverted triangle/apple/ectomorph.

Some Stuff I Do Know About My Body/Appearance:

  • I have small feet. I can frequently (not always) get away with wearing kids' shoes. The shoes I wore to my wedding were from the little girls section. However, the width and depth of my feet can also make it very difficult to find good shoes.
  • I have bad posture (probably from a combination of the weight of my boobs and also years of trying to make myself as invisible as possible). It's a work in progress.
  • I was a towhead right up until 8th grade when my hair started to change. It wasn't until 10th grade that I accepted having light brown hair.
  • My eyes have that golden ring in the irises from the melanin thing.
  • My feet get cold easily, even when the rest of me is sweating.
  • I have literally ALWAYS been chubby. Pictures of me as a baby and up through toddlerhood into childhood are proof of that. 
  • My neck is very short.

Some Stuff I Have Been Told About My Body/Appearance: 
  • "That hair color doesn't suit you." - when I had purple hair in my early twenties
  • "If God meant for you to have tattoos, you'd have been born with them." 
  • "You need to tame that shit down." - About my hair.
  • "You have a really sour face." - My mouth shape is naturally down-turned.
  • "Why are your boobs so big?" - A random kid in a grocery line.
  • "There's nothing worse than a fugly fat chick."  
  • "You should wear make up more often." 
- Okay, so the above ended up being more negative (except the kid, who was honestly just curious), and I searched my mind for compliments or positives and they pretty much all ended up like...not there?
   Of course people have complimented me or said nice things before. Female friends have said things like "I think you're beautiful," and I know Shawn finds me attractive. I'm sure my parents told me I was pretty when I was young - surely they did, but I cannot recall, which is odd because I have a pretty stellar memory. *Shrug.
   (It is worth noting again that this is related only to the physical.)

 I haven't been able to identify any specifics as to what part of my shape or appearance yields the most comments. I think it depends on the group the comments come from, but it doesn't really matter because no one has more commentary on my appearance than me.

I should also note that I am trying to work on body positivity and I'm doing great - with literally everyone else. With myself, I am still stuck trying to just accept myself.
But it is hard.
Very, very, hard.


Tuesday, March 13

Sunday Confessions 3-11-18I

So get this: I wrote this and everything on Sunday around noon. It was all set to go and perfect and I go to check comments today and dur - I hadn't actually POSTED it. Oi. So enjoy, two days late:

I Confess: I've been doing a lot of writing lately. A lot of times I write fiction stuff, but lately it's been all non-fiction, Becky's life/memories stuff and it's been leaving me drained and emotional and all the feelings (but it is cathartic).

I Confess: I am SUPER glad to have gotten out of work early today, because one of the managers has had a rough couple days (as has literally everyone who works at the restaurant), and she just felt like taking it out on everyone this morning.

I Confess: I have had some very angry, bitter - downright hateful thoughts about one of my co-workers recently. Much more hatey than my normal hate.


Saturday, March 3

Sunday Confessions 3-4-18

I Confess: I fucking love "Pumped Up Kicks." 

Like, I know what it's about and especially today, I kind of feel like I shouldn't like it so much. But it gets so stuck in my head and I sing it to myself quite often at work when people are being asshats.

I Confess: I love that my computer doesn't recognize "asshat" as a word.

I Confess: So we have the Director of Operations for Applebee's coming to visit our store on the 8th, a Thursday. Oi. I am already anxious in my gut and it's so much not fun. Can we quit with the visits already? I mean, we keep failing on a bigger and bigger scale and so we get more and more visitors and also it turns perfectly normal human beings into...erm...crazy human beings, and not good crazy. Everyone is stressed out (especially the managers, understandably so). Groan.

I Confess: Remember the other computer that I left the dvd in? Well, I exchanged it and that's all fine and the new one I love and it's all good. Except that I keep accidentally doing things on it and I don't know how I did it. Working on figuring that out. It has to do with holding buttons down and it thinks I want to do that button forever and I'm like "no, no, no. Stop. Stop doing that." It's nothing serious. But yeah. I feel out of my league and kind of wish I could put dummy instructions on this computer instead of making me dig for answers. 


Wednesday, February 28

Baked Bacon

So all over, everywhere, I have seen recipes and how-to's for baking bacon. I tried it once, maybe?  I can't remember trying it, but I think I did. So let's say this is my first time. (LOL only with cooking. Definitely can't use that kind of logic with say, sex. "No, I don't remember doing that, so it didn't happen." LOLS)


So I was hungry and hankering, and I hate cooking bacon in the frying pan. It's so...ugh, splatty, and you have to like, check it and turn it and basically I'm lazy as fuck and don't like splatter.

So I baked that package.

1.) Lined a baking sheet (technically a "jellyroll" pan because it has those little sides, which I HIGHLY recommend) dull side up.

2.) I use cooking gloves in the kitchen because I hate touching raw meat.

3.) Just a normal size basic package. I think it was 12oz., store brand, not thick cut or anything special.

4.) I put it on at 375°(F). 
Started with 10 min. Then 6 more minutes. Then 4 more minutes.
And then I was satisfied.

  • It could have come out after 16 minutes, for those who prefer...less crispy/cooked bacon. I honestly could have cooked this for a few more minutes, even, because I like really crispy bacon. 
  • I could have let it cool and refrigerated it for later, but I was specifically making it for breakfast today.
  • The foil was perfect. I do have specialized "non-stick" foil, but it wasn't necessary and the bacon came off super easy.
  • The special benefit of the jellyroll pan is that it kept all the grease inside the foil, so literally all I had to do was  crumble it up into a ball unto itself and toss it. Easy-peasy!

1 package regular thickness bacon.
Lay out on (jellyroll preferred) sheet lined with foil, dull side up.
15-25 minutes @ 375°F, depending on crispy preferences.

Honestly, it was so freaking easy, I can't believe I made such a big deal out of worrying I wouldn't do it right. And it would be super easy to do multiple packages in a row or use two trays at once, or whatever.

Sunday, February 25

Sunday Confessions 2-25-18

I Confess: I have achieved the official level of "I hate my job." Yes, I officially hate my job.

I Confess: I finally convinced Shawn to let me read World War Z to him and he is really enjoying it and I'm like "Score! I knew you'd like it, sucker! Ha ha, I win!"

I Confess: My old computer died, so I bought an inexpensive laptop from Walmart, but I had to return that because there were issues with the mouse touch pad. The confession, however, is that a couple days after returning it, I realized that I accidentally left my copy of 28 Days Later in the dvd drive.

Saturday, February 10

Sunday Confessions 2-11-18

I Confess: I have a lot on my mind right now and I can barely focus. 

I Confess: We had a surprise corporate inspection at work a couple days ago and we failed (quite sensationally, I am led to believe.) 

I Confess: I had cookies for breakfast yesterday. 

I Confess: I have written about five different confessions and deleted them all because I want to say stuff, but I can't for one reason or another. Refer to confession one.

I Confess: I kinda hate this confessions post, because it sucks balls, but it's all I have this week.

Wednesday, February 7

Crow on Flowering Branch

So I was pleasantly surprised to receive a collaboration offer from Yay!
I was genuinely delighted at the prospect of working together and also - art! Who doesn't want something awesome for their walls?

I actually found a piece that really called to me the first time I visited the site. Still, I spent a couple hours perusing the choices and looking at all the different categories and styles, bookmarking several for compare/contrast.
In the end, I ended up with the first one that had called out to me, "Crow on Flowering Branch."

I didn't consult Shawn before making the choice, and I am super happy with my decision.
It didn't take long to arrive, and shipping was free! (Happy days, because I despise paying for shipping.)
Here it is in the box:

I absolutely made Shawn assemble it because I have zero (and I mean zero) skill when it comes to things like that.

And all hung up, above the couch: 

I was surprised to find out, during ordering, once you've picked the canvas you like, (I don't know about self-submitted images or full murals), you can crop/size it to fit the area you plan to put it, or just for how you like the picture. It does a show a preview of the crop size, so you know what you're getting into. 

I kept mine to full size, so the width is about 36", and I think the height is about 27"? ← Don't quote me on those measurements, but they're close.

I really love it, to be honest. I would order from them again, would be willing to experiment with sending in my own image to see how that turns out. 

And of course, readers benefit too!
If you order from Photowall within the next 30 days, you can use code USofBeckyCampaign2018 for 20% off your order. So hells yeah! 

***Note: This is a sponsored post. I received my print for free in exchange for my review & honest opinion. Not compensated with money. All opinions are honest and my own. ***

Sunday, February 4

Sunday Confessions February 4, 2018

I Confess: Go Eagles! Go literally any other team than the Patriots. That's right. I'm a Patriot hater. 

I Confess: I am trying very hard to be more body positive - and I'm getting there - except with myself. I mean, I'm more accepting of myself as I am than I have ever been before. And yet - still feel like I am actually just a giant blob getting bigger and blobbier by the moment. 

I Confess: I have taken a nap every single day this week. 

Thursday, February 1

The Music Scene

This post was inspired by this post at Faerie Eye and the comments.

So where do I start? 
The inspiration for this post started with Heather's post about music and included concerts she'd seen. 
And I commented that I had not been to but 2 concerts and one of them doesn't count.

So before we start, here are the "2" concerts I have been to: 
  • Dogstar (some info on this link is wrong, but it covers the basics) - tickets were a birthday present from a friend, I'll call her Sophie. We saw them at Leelanau Sands Casino, nine rows away from the stage. (Yes, Keanu is fucking gorgeous IRL, even when from that distance and when he doesn't look at the audience and is all band-grungy.) Also? Bret Domrose is also super yummy. 
  • No Doubt (Paramore opened) - 2009 Summer Tour near Detroit, saw with Shawn and one of his brothers. (AWESOME AF!)

Heather inquired as to why I've only been to 2 concerts...cost? Location? 
Well, let's get into that.

Here is a map of Michigan: 
The black dot is my hometown. The two arrows are Grand Rapids and Detroit Metro. Those are the two major concert venue areas in this state. 


We do have 3 major places for performances in TC: 
  • The "Pepsi Soundstage" (lols) in the Open Space during Cherry Festival. (This is where we saw Gabriel Iglesias perform.)
  • Streeters Ground Zero Nightclub (I have never been because...we'll come back to that.) 
  • Kresge (pronounced Kres-ghee) Auditorium at Interlochen Center For the Arts (alma mater of Rumer Willis and Jewel, among many.) 

↠↠About Streeters/Ground Zero: I have always had a disdain for Streeters as a bar because it's where the high school kids go before the "check for ID" hours. The high school kids think it's the shit. I went to the bar once with friends and welp, it was pretty much what I expected. Everything was loud and even dimly lit, it was still too bright with the loudness of the outdated decor. (This was circa 2002, who knows what's changed since then?) 
↠↠Ground Zero Nightclub...I can't say I have disdain, because I've never been. It has apparently received great reviews. But the performers always seem to be...has beens (Bret Michaels, for example), and I-don't-care's. 

(Historically I have enjoyed going to more...let's call them "old man" bars. I have heard some awesome bands in some pretty run down bars.) I am more of a sit and listen and maybe read person more than a dance-and-be-noticed person.))


Concerts I get up and move and shake and jump and dance and it is wonderful. 
But if you didn't get it before, Traverse City area doesn't have too many options for concerts. 
Big names go to Grand Rapids and Detroit Metro Area. 
So you not only have to calculate ticket cost, there is extra gas, making sure work schedule changes work out, (travel time) and possibly an overnight in a hotel. So it's a bit more of a thing to make it happen. 
However, we are planning on seeing more shows now that we have a reliable car and a fixed schedule. (We almost saw Jim Gaffigan at Fox Theatre in Detroit last summer but there were no more good seats to make it worth it.)
And thanks to Michael Moore and the Traverse City Film Festival, we are attracting a lot more attention from Hollymood types. (← That is a whole other blog post.)

And so, I remain a 2 concert girl - for now. 

Tuesday, January 30


So a couple weeks ago I broke down at work.
For those who may not know, I have a history of depression and anxiety.
Over the past fourteen years, I have gone through some different medications and combinations and different therapists.
In the spring of 2015, I was admitted to Center One and upon release, I was eventually hooked up with a therapist I will call Ms. Yellow.
Now, I have seen Ms. Yellow over time, off and on. And she is an awesome-fucking-therapist. Like, holy-crap-the-best. I'm sure she doesn't work for everyone, but sometimes you have a therapist you click with and they get you and you get how they work and it works.

And my meds were basically on point.
Fast forward to October 2017. It is my final appointments with Ms. Yellow, who used to work at a state-funded clinic for broke-ass people, but is going private practice. Which is good. The clinic was being all "the government runs us, so you follow our rules, regardless of what you think is best for the patient." Also...achieving your dreams, moving on and up, all the things. So amazing and good for her!
Also? In October 2017, I have zero insurance and can't afford her hourly rate. And people are like "that's expensive!" and I'm like "she's worth twice that!" (Note: to her credit, Ms. Yellow was all "we can work something out with the payment stuff" but I was like no, not doing that because...well. I wasn't.)

So November goes by and things are fine, money's tight and work is awful, but I'm dealing. December 5 comes along and one of my Rx's is due for a refill and I'm like $36 is a lot of money when they totally just changed around our pay schedule. Also? I'm fine, I probably don't need this one anymore. And so I just didn't refill it and went about my life. Also, I didn't tell anyone I stopped taking it because people are all argumentative and "don't do that" and such.

So fast forward to the middle of January. It's been one of the single roughest holiday seasons I've ever had. Work is exhausting, everyone is burned out and grumpy, the weather is freezing and dismal and also I've not had a therapy session since end of October and also am about 6 weeks out from cold turkey dropping a psych med.

So I snapped. I just freaking snapped. I don't even remember what set me off, but I told Shawn my anxiety was high (it was) and I needed a minute to gather myself. And then I started sobbing and squigging out and it was all very embarrassing indeed. Shawn had to take me home and the next day people were all:

And we got my Rx filled and yes, I'm still taking them and yes, I can feel that they are getting into my system and going to work to help keep me more level. (I am not talking about fast-acting anti-anxiety meds or any kind of benzodiazepines. (However, a co-worker friend who deals with the same stuff I do did give me on of her benzos [one I have taken before] to help me Chill. The. Hell. Out. at the time and I am super grateful.) 

I am thinking about touching base with Ms. Yellow, but I'm sitting on it, because my insurance is utter shit. Like, total shit. But it's all we could afford. (However, I'm delighted to report that it does cover our Rx's. So there's that.) I don't even know if it covers behavioral health services at all. So we will see. 
And yes, I am ok. 
The moral of the story is this: 

Sunday, January 28

Sunday Confessions January 28, 2018

I Confess: My brain completely spaced on it being Sunday until about 30 seconds ago. 

I Confess: I bought a new pair of work shoes and I ended up with a blister on my right heel and it was very painful today and so when we went to the market after work, I made Shawn push me around in a wheel chair so I wouldn't have to walk on it anymore while we bought various painful feet paraphernalia.

I Confess: My cat has been extra affectionate lately and I'm totally okay with it.  

Saturday, January 20

Sunday Confessions: January 21, 2018

I Confess: I had a mental meltdown at work yesterday (er, Friday). Super embarrassing. I will be doing a post about this later in the week. But long story short: don't stop taking psychiatric drugs cold turkey, kids. Especially not during the holiday season. Especially when you're not actively in therapy.

I Confess: We bought a blu ray player because our Wii U has been being a dipstick (we use it to watch Hulu) and I'm super stoked because I could never truly figure out how to use the controls on a playstation remote when trying to watch a blu ray. So, score. (We spent $60 on it, which came out of Shawn's prize money from winning his fantasy football league.) 

I Confess: My computer is annoying the piss out of me tonight because it's running slow and I'm just like "move it along, Assy Asserton!"

Looking forward to seeing your confessions!

Wednesday, January 17

What I Learned (About Myself) in 2017

Shout-out to Hayley at Hsaysblog whose post inspired me to write this one.

1.) I need girlfriends.
As adults I think it's far too easy to get caught up in the day-to-day of working full-time, being a wife, mother, (or whatever your familial obligations), trying to be socially and politically conscious, responsible, all the things. Additionally, it is way too easy for us me to isolate. I am an isolator. (And ironically, so are most of my closest friends.) (Side note: the more I open up about my isolationist tendencies, the more I hear "me too!", so I kind of assume this is widespread thing.)
Anyway....I made a good friend at work, whom I'm going to call *Angela. Well, Angela and I try to get together on the regular - usually just for coffee and often, not even that - just chatting and walking around places. But my friendship with her has offered me the chance to gab about non-important girly things - the cute guy at work, the creepy guy at work, boys we'd like to lick like cheese off of a cracker, (Daniel Radcliffe)  hair color, youtube videos, etc. Girl time prevents me from going 'round the bend.

Note: my other girlfriends *Melody, *Marie, and *Rose all keep me from going crazy in major ways, it was just hanging with Angela made me realize the extent to which it is important to my sanity.

2.) I am allowed to be upset.
(Dude, I know.) It's so obvious. Like, frickin' duh. But (for various reasons) anger is a difficult emotion for me both to be around in others and also to have. I'm not going to explain here, because - wow - we'd be here all day. But only in the past eight months or so have I come to truly understand that anger can be ok, that not all anger is somehow my fault, not all bad moods have something to do with me, and it is ok for me to feel angry, hurt, or sad - and what's more - to express that. (Dude, I KNOW it's obvious, but for me, this is a major thing.)

3.) Sensory Overload
My work is a noisy place. We have the noise from the chopping and cutting. Music playing overhead. Fryer alarms are going off. The phone is ringing. Servers are chattering and calling out things. The expo person is hollering for food runners and needing more cheese sticks. A cook is pissed off and throwing things around. Another is arguing with someone. The dish machine is running and the dishwasher is rushing to stack plates. Someone else is talking nonstop. A random person is singing a random song. The meat cutter turns on his playlist of thrash metal, the exhaust fans are blowing full power - it's too much. It's all just too much. I want to hide, I want to pull a hat down over my eyes and ears. It's all coming in - too much at once and I feel like I am being attacked. I am a cornered animal and ready to lash out. There is just too much. I need to isolate myself not so much emotionally, but physically. I need to get away from the crazy and have quiet and alone time. I know this is a bit introvert-y, and I am an introvert, but this is a visceral reaction that has physical consequences and it's important for me to tend to that need.

What kinds of things did you learn about yourself over the past year? Anything you're seeking to learn about yourself?

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